Loving this...

Hello all, went to the doc today. This was the first time she did the check to see if I was dilated at all. And I was 2 cm dilated and she could feel Zoe's head. So little miss is in prime position. It was so weird and cool at the same time. (Not that I enjoy pelvic exams or anything, yuck!). It was just so cool to know that our little one could be making an entrance sooner than later.

Well I came home and my nesting instinct kicked into overdrive. Which was mostly worrying about making her quilt. House still needs to be cleaned, but I can clean, then cut fabric, then clean some more, then sew fabric, then clean some more... You get the idea.

This is my first quilt ever and I'm so excited! It's already starting to come together quite nicely. Which makes me smile. I love creating things for my sweet daughter! I'm hoping that she holds out just a wee bit longer so I can finish up what needs to be finished, but if she comes soon, I know I will be just ecstatic!

Thank You Lord for this amazing gift. Thank You that joy is in my heart and fear is not present. Thank You for knowing our hearts desires and giving them to us. You are amazing God! In Jesus name, Amen.

Would you partner with me to pray for my labor? I could use all the warriors I can get!

Thanksgiving

Image from Google Images

Thanksgiving is such a special holiday to me. Not only does it remind me to always posture my heart in an attitude of gratitude to our Lord who is the giver of all good gifts, it also connects me to my ancestry.

The first ancestors that came to the new world in our family were on the original Mayflower voyage. John Howland and Elizabeth Tilley Howland met on the ship and married shortly after settling in Plymouth.

I love what this holiday represents. It is one of the only holidays that remain untainted. Although Black Friday is sure trying to creep in with corporate greed. I love that there is no need to give a gift of extravagance, go out of your way to please people, etc. I love the simple fact that you come together and give thanks to the Lord who has provided a bountiful harvest all year long.

So everyone count your harvest blessings today and always. What has the Lord sewn into your life this past year? What have you sown into other's? I pray that we all can come together with a thankful heart today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Stretch marks and varicose veins...and why I wouldn't change a thing

So alot of women have been coming up to me and saying how much they hated their body after a baby. They want to change this or that. They can't get rid of that pooch on their belly, they are ashamed of their stretch marks, etc. All this makes me sad because they say "you will change your mind as soon as you have the baby."

Well for one I rebuke that right here and right now. I must be the odd ball here, but I love my "extras", lol. I feel beautiful when I look at my growing belly in the mirror. I have stretch marks that go well over my belly button and I'm ok with it. I have a scary looking varicose vein on the back of my leg that totally scared me when I went to try on maternity clothes at Target one day. I had no idea what it was and until I realized I thought something was horribly medically wrong with me or the baby. When the revelation came, I was like whew! That's all it is...

I consider these things my body is going through to be apart of one of the most important journeys of my life. My stretch marks are my badges of honor, because I carried a baby for nine months and gave birth. I am a mom. I am beautiful. Every bit of me, every bit of the new me. My body has done what it is designed to do. Produce fruit. Give life. I'm so amazed, it leaves me speechless.

I don't know if the change came after the miscarriage or what, but I used to have a vanity issue about this. Right now I'm just thankful I can produce life. Yes, I have my moments where I'm tired, irritable, heart burny, still struggle with morning sickness (yes, I'm one of those pregnant ladies who did not get to leave their morning sickness in the first trimester, sigh), and a plethora of other things. But I want to stay joyful over each and every thing. I want to look at the past 9 months when my daughter arrives and say every bit of it was worth it and that I would do it again in a heartbeat.

We all get so wrapped up in our physical appearance, but what about our heart appearance. If we are so concerned with the external, the internal is not being cultivated and can look pretty ratty in no time. Please understand, I'm not saying throw your diets out the window and wear sweat pants everywhere. There is a place for appearance, but it should be secondary and not consume us.

I think we need to have a healthy mindset of who we are, what we aren't, and where our approval comes from. Only then will the external truly reflect the internal.

I'm on a mission to stop "fat talking myself". Please visit operationbeautiful.com to join the mission. I want to stop saying if only this were better or I had prettier skin, or I lost 50 pounds, etc. I need to be realistic and say, Yes I want to be healthy and with God as my focus throughout this process it will happen. And I want to tell myself daily how beautiful I am because I am God's masterpiece.

Hmmmm....

So I believe I left everyone hanging last time I posted. I was seeking prayer for gestational diabetes testing. Well the tests came back and I have it. God is good and He will see our family through. Please continue to pray for health for Zoe and that I will still be able to have a natural childbirth. It has been so strong on my heart. The hubster and I have been praying that she comes in late December spontaneously so that there is minimal risk for her.

The last few weeks have been crazy busy! So much to do before baby cakes gets here. Hopefully the hubster and I can knock out some stuff tomorrow and Saturday and be able to start posting pics of the nursery soon. Well gotta run. Gotta get started on dinner and get things ready for church tonight!

Overwhelmed

I am up to my ears! In baby prep, career change, and home improvements. I really just want to cry it out. And I have cried a lot lately, but it doesn't feel like I'm really letting it out.

I have had a marathon over the last two weeks and am trying to catch up. I have my family baby shower this weekend which is why the home improvements are taking place. I feel so stressed about getting everything together and also the added stresses of work this week. It is going to be our busiest week we have ever had. I'm about to lose my mind.

I say all these things not to vent, but to be honest with myself. I keep telling myself, "You can do this, this is nothing, you can make it." Well in all honesty I don't know how I'm going to do that on my own. I keep looking to people and they keep failing me. I feel like I ask for help and they agree, then they back out. Or they offer, then tell me how busy they are and how it would be so hard to help me out. I feel very let down. And I shouldn't take up the offense. I get it people are busy, people have lives. My problem isn't with them. It's with myself. I keep looking to man to satisfy that need that only Jesus can.

Lord, I'm sorry for not looking to You when I need You. I'm sorry for looking to flesh to fulfill my need. I need to be fully satisfied with You as my provider, my source of strength, my everything. Father God, please take my heart and heal the wounds. Please take my life and mold me and shape me. Give me the strength to persevere. You are the only One I need. Shine the light on the dark places of my heart. When I feel pressured to perform for one reason or another, please tell me what I should be doing to please You and not man. Please help me to find rest in You and You alone. Thank You for all the blessings You bestow on me. I know I am not worthy of any of them, but I am made worthy by the blood of Your Son. In Jesus' sweet and holy name, Amen.

Trust

So this pregnancy has not been the smoothest. It has been joyful, don't get me wrong. We have had a few ups and downs and some scares, but God is always faithful and mighty to save. The Lord gave me the verse from Zephenia that talks about how He is mighty to save, when I was interceeding for our little one in the first few weeks of her life.

The pregnancy began and we went to the doctor to confirm, they noticed that the yolk sac was abnormally shaped. We prayed into it and had others pray with us and for us. God IS mighty to save because the next time we went to the doctor everything was perfect! God is so good.

At about 21 weeks, I had some bleeding that sent me to the doctor scared and shaking. Zoe was in there just having the time of her life. Totally happy and unaware her mother was going nuts, lol. The bleeding was cervical and nothing to worry about. Yet again Praise the Lord!!! He is a mighty protector.

Now I have gone through the glucose test and my bloodwork came back high. We have another battle we are fighting. They want me to come in tomorrow to do the extended blood work glucose test. I am not afraid, I know the Lord is on my side. He is my healer, deliverer and protector. The devil is a liar. We stand on God's word alone!!!!!!!!

I know the victory has already been won and we just have to see it here in the natural. Everytime these things come up to lie to us, I ask God, "what am I supposed to learn through this?" And His reply is always, ALWAYS "Do you trust Me?" I humbly say, "Yes, Lord". He is drawing me into a closeness with Him that is so full of trust and faith. Thank You Lord for Your love and Your gentle guidance. "Faithful, You're always faithful. True, You're always true." I love You Jesus! I trust in You God! I want to be faithful to the end just as You are with me.

Cries of the Unborn

There is a problem in our world. I know there are many but this one speaks to my heart in such a way that it makes me weep. I'm talking about the Silent Holocaust. Abortion.

I was talking with a friend and she had heard the testimony of a man who had an out of body experience. The kind where they go to Heaven and come back and tell of the experience they had. This man had gone to Heaven and God walked him around a little bit before sending him back to his body to give the testimony. They came upon an area where there were babies as far as the eye could see. Babies everywhere.

He asked the Lord, are these the babies you are going to send down to earth? God told him no, these are the babies I SENT to be a blessing, and they were SENT BACK. Upon hearing these words my heart was crushed. It is like saying to God, this blessing isn't good enough, this blessing isn't coming at the right time for ME.

Yes there are circumstances that are not ideal in our lives and sometimes there are harsh instances where pregnancy occurs. Such as rape and incest. I understand that those exist, but also that God is bigger than those circumstances. He turns all things good for the good of His people. Those instances account for less than 1% of pregnancies in the world today.

We all hear the cries of "how can a woman move on when there is a constant reminder that she was abused?" Well I don't know of anyone that could get over being raped or abused in less than 9 months. There is an alternative everyone, it's called adoption. If you cannot bear to see that child every day after it is born, then please please please allow someone else the chance to love that child and raise it.

There is also the unfortunate circumstance of possibly having a child with a disability. There has been so many advances in the field of medicine that we can determine what the child's body will be like when they are born. When women hear there may be something wrong, they would rather end the child's life to spare it from being born that way. When in actuality it is more because they are scared of what it will do to their lives. In the immortal words of Gianna Jessen, abortion survivor with Cerebal Palsy, who among us cannot learn from the least of us?

I read a story about a woman who was pregnant with twins and she found out one had down syndrome, so she chose to do "selective reduction". Basically kill the imperfect baby and keep the perfect baby. During the procedure, the doctor killed the wrong baby. She was still pregnant with the baby who had down syndrome. She underwent another abortion and killed that baby as well. First there were two, then there was one, then there was none. What tragedy.

There is so much more to say, and so much more to learn, but I can't go on with this topic at the moment because it is so emotionally taxing for me that I have to stop and interceed for women everywhere. Women who think that this is their "right" when it really is just an exploitation of women. Doctors and Planned Parenthood workers all over the globe will say that they are giving the women the right to choose their reproductive rights. But what it really is is a money hungry beast ready to kill innocent children and convince women they are doing the right thing.

I heard this question at the pro-life rally in January 2010 when Houston was on the verge of opening the largest abortion clinic in the western hemisphere: Why is satan so afraid of babies? These women are not terminating children that will one day be serial killers or rapists. These children's lives are being snuffed out because they are pastors, evangelists, missionaries, etc. A generation is being culled to suit satan's needs. It is time to wake up! It is time to rise up church! Let us say with one voice NO to the plans of the enemy! Let us interceed night and day for the end of abortion!

Life Update

So I am 25 weeks now and I'm starting to have a small bout of nesting. I'm trying to get things done around the house. It is small short bursts of work, but it's something. Right?

So far we have had a ceiling panel replaced from when our ceiling leaked a few months ago. Our AC unit was working overtime in this Texas heat and started to sweat so much it caused our living room ceiling to buckle and dip and become discolored. Our wonderful friends from Forerunner Home Improvement came out and took care of us. We painted the ceiling after it was all said and done and our living room, breakfast room, and kitchen have never looked better. Who knew just a coat of paint on the ceiling would do so much?

A sweet friend of ours came out and painted Zoe's room for us. Trim and doors still need to be done. My husband and I are working on painting the changing table right now too. Things are slowly coming together.

I started a new project. My husband and I take out allowance each week to save money. We haven't done it in a while, but we started it back up recently to help pinch the pennies. So I am spending my allowance on new interior doors for the house. I'm tired of the 70's doors that are beat up and flat. I love the beveled doors so I went out and purchased the first one today. It will go in the foyer of our home. So exciting! I guess you know your an adult when you get excited over home improvement projects and new appliances, lol.

The only draw back to this project is the fact that I have to get the workers at Lowe's to load up the door and all that jazz. But when I get home, I have to figure out a way to get it in doors. It is slightly over my weight lifting limit for a 25 week pregnant lady. The hubster has been working a lot so I guess it will have to stay in the car until he gets out of work.

Another thing we are saving up for which needs to happen somewhat soon is taking care of the hubster's car. It has been acting shady for a while now and we really need to get it looked at. We should be able to take it in soon. Praise the Lord for that!

Some of these projects we want done before November 6th because it is my baby shower and we are having it at my house. One project that has been on our radar, but probably won't happen until mid November early December: Replacing our back fence that fell over on our gas line last March. It will happen. I know it will, we just have to get a few other things out of the way first.

Other than the chaos of preparing our house and life for a baby, things are just exciting. We can't wait to see things progress over the next few months. We are so blessed to have the things we do and to be able to prepare for the things we will. God is so good to us!

Another thing on my personal wishlist, that I have pined for for over a year: A Canon EOS Rebel T1i Digital SLR Kit with EF-S 18-55 mm f/3.5-5.6 IS lens (15.1 MP). Yes I'm that specific. This of course is not a necessity, but man I have had my eye on that camera for a long time. I guess the longer you wait for something the more satisfying it is when you actually get it. Kind of like a baby... ;)

Overcoming Perfection, Day 14: The End

Well this is the end of the Overcoming Perfection Series. What have I learned? Not to sweat it. Not to worry if my blog posts are too short, too long, not insightful enough, not funny enough, not good enough. I can blog about what I'm going through and not fear rebuke.

At the end of the day all I can be is me. That's what I want this blog to reflect, the journey I am on with the Lord and the everyday victories, however tiny they may be.

God has me in a special place right now and I pray He keeps me going down this deepening path. I want to be able to share it as well. Part of that is writing it out here. But to do that I need to conquer the perfectionist spirit and cast it out.

The past two weeks have been truly freeing. I'm not 100% there and I know I will touch on this subject in the future, but I have gained a measure of victory and I am truly thankful.

Overcoming Perfection, Day 13

I was out of town yesterday on some family business. It was fun and all, but I have some major major allergies when I go to visit them. They live in the Brazos Valley and I go into sneezing fits like you have never seen when I enter the valley. Oh well. All in all it was great to see everyone. I'm going to go take a nap then I will be back on later to discuss the wrap up of the Overcoming Perfection Series.

Overcoming Perfection, Day 12 (Baby Update)

Baby Zoe at 19 weeks

Zoe Noel is doing really well. She is active and super cute! I know even before I meet her that she is super cute.

I am so blessed to have such an amazing God who would trust us with this precious cargo. I can't wait to meet her in January. My heart is so full!!!

It has not been the most perfect pregnancy (notice how God is dealing with me on perfection even in this avenue, lol). I have had to fight fear with everything I have. I don't want satan to get a foothold into my spirit or my baby's spirit.

I had morning sickness up until about 22 weeks, that affected me a good portion of my days. I have had random bouts of it and I am now 24 weeks. I have had so many more issues but I won't share because it may be TMI.

None of it has been the beautiful easy pregnancies you see some of your friends going through, but every second is worth it! Absolutely worth it! Just to feel her little kicks or wiggles, makes my heart smile and I can't help but thank God. I thank Him every day for this miracle!

Overcoming Perfection, Day 11 (or should I say post 11)

I did not get around to writing my blog post yesterday because of being busy at work and then going straight to church. This is yet another example of why I can't sweat it. Yesterday was not the perfect day and I did not have the time. So it's good enough.

I have been dealing with alot of imperfect situations lately. Having disagreements with people I love the most. Friendships and relationships tested by hard times.

I would love to act like the woman who has it all together, but sadly I'm not. I think when you show your vulnerable, less shiny, somewhat crazyness to the world. It opens a door to showing others it's ok to not be perfect as well.

I would like some prayer. So if any of you are praying folks, please pray for these times of testing the Lord has me in. I'm praying for the refining fire of the Holy Spirit to come and change my heart.

Overcoming Perfection, Day 10

This song really spoke to me today as I drove home from a hard day at work. Thank You God for revelation and for speaking to me so sweetly.

Overcoming Perfection, Day 9

This is a quick one. Happy Anniversary to the best husband in the whole world!!! We are married 3 years today. God is so good to me to give me such a great guy!

Overcoming Perfection, Day 8

My heart is broken today. My heart is broken for the broken families out there. The families torn apart by divorce.

My husband told me something a little bit ago that brought tears to my eyes. On facebook, he is a fan of a local Christian radio station and they posted on their page "Crazy Monday for you too?" One man replied that his wife divorced him today, but that God is in control.

Amen for that man's faith, but it's almost as if I can feel the hurting of the families torn apart by satan's deceptions. I feel as though I can feel the Lord's heart break for these families He knit together being ripped apart.

My husband and I both are from families of divorce. Both our mothers married again and we love our step parents, but neither of us know our biological fathers on any real basis. He has met his father face to face, but the last time he saw him, my husband was still a small child.

I have never met my father. They divorced when I was 6 months old. And for a long time I felt like a gap was missing and that meeting my father would fill that. It was only after I met Jesus that I truly understood a father's love. Now my need isn't to fill that gap, it's to help pray for and minister to families who are contemplating divorce.

I did come in contact with my biological Grandmother a few years ago and that was enough of a pursuit for me. I talked to her twice, but felt as if that's where the relationship was to end.

I have known many a family member or friend that went through a divorce and I have seen what has done to the family. How the children react, how the spouses seethe anger, bitterness, resentment, etc.

It wasn't until after I was married and came to know Christ did I have a revelation of the Father's heart about marriage. His will is for people to stay together, but our free will sometimes prevents that from happening.

I know there are tough situations such as infidelity, abuse, etc. I know that also is not God's will that those things happen in marriage. Yet again that's where our free will comes in.

Today I am praying and interceeding for the hurt and broken. The children who are questioning why? Was it my fault? The men and women lost and alone. Father God return their hearts to You. Heal them of their pain. Set the captives free, God. You and You alone can do this.

Overcoming Perfection, Day 7

Quick baby update: Zoe likes hot chocolate. I know its the sugar. It gets her all riled up and wiggling about. And you may be wondering why I am drinking a hot beverage when it feels like 110 degrees out in the Houston area. Simple, the heat helps clear my sinuses. Still trying to shake this sinus infection.

Ok, so I have been holding onto this one for awhile. I am a perfectionist with God. Not that I doubt that He is perfect or anything. I just feel like I'm not perfect enough to spend time with Him or that I may not be in the perfect mindset, etc.

When I put it out there, it seems so silly to me. Why wouldn't I come to Him when I am angry, lost, confused, etc? Those are the times when I need him most. The perfectionist spirit lies though and says God won't accept me until I'm pure and white as snow. Which is NOT TRUE! In any form. God takes who we are now and transforms us over time from a piece of charcoal to a diamond.

I'm nowhere near a diamond. I'm definitely still in the piece of coal stage. And probably will be for a long time. But I just need to come to Him and lay it at His feet and let Him change my heart and mind. I can't do it and then come to Him afterwards. God would be waiting for me for eternity.

I am resolving to spend time each day, in any measure or mood. I want to be with Him always, but I need to get rid of this stinking thinking and this oppressive spirit.

Overcoming Perfectoin, Day 6: Never forget

It is hard to forget a day like 9/11/2001. It will be forever etched in our memories. The photos, the video footage, the sounds and screams. It's so vivid.

I'm personally glad that we can remember such a tragedy and carry it with us. Mostly because it means we are not dead inside. The world has been desensitized to so many things, but this is one of our last remaining moments that make us truly feel.

Passions are stirred when we hear of protesting because of 9/11. I know mine was. I felt the indignation of a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I felt extreme sadness when I heard of a pastor, a Christian, wanting to burn the Quaron.

Both of these issues really touched me deeply. I do not agree with a mosque being built so close to Ground Zero. I do feel it is a slap in the face to the survivors and it shows our ignorance of what the Muslim world is capable of. When they conquer a land, they build a mosque there. Do we not see a connection here? If they want to build one, build it somewhere else. This is too solemn of a place to build near.

Then there is the pastor who retaliated by wanting to burn Quarons as a form of protest. How ridiculous! There are so many facets to this lack of logic that just baffles me. First of all: How are you showing God's love by performing a blatantly hateful act? If anyone feels this man is justified in his hatred, they obviously do not know the Father's heart. He loves us all. This does not mean He does not hate sin or idolatry. He absolutely does, but He does not want us going around spewing hate for hates sake.

Secondly, the point was brought up that our own military burned Bible's last year in Afghanistan. Muslims always burn our flag or Bibles as well. So why can't we do it? I will tell you why we can't "return the favor". Because vengeance is not ours. It is the Lord's. He says so specifically many times in the Bible. Do not repay evil for evil. God will take His vengeance in His time and in His way. Who are we to circumvent His will? This would just put us at their level. We are called to be more than that. We have a higher purpose and by doing these things we would be grieving God's heart.

Thirdly, an act of this magnitude is endangering people all over the world. By Muslim law, every American and Christian would have a target on their back. They would kill anyone remotely associated with our country and religion because of their belief that they have a duty to kill any of us on sight.

I am glad to hear that the Florida pastor changed his mind, but sadly there are still people planning on going through with the plan. I hope the Lord reaches out to them and opens their eyes and ears. I pray that they can turn back from this hatred and focus on Jesus, the true Prince of Peace.

And just to clarify, I do not agree with the Islamic faith. I do not think that they are a people of peace. I believe they are misguided by Satan. But I love them. Because Jesus loves them. We are to be the light of the world and are to teach others about Christ. What better way to do it than to tell the lost how much they are loved?

Ok, I'm off my soap box. Had to get that off my chest.

Overcoming Perfection, Day 5

Hello again.

I have been on the hunt for fabric for Zoe's quilt, crib skirt, and curtains. I have had the hardest time in the world to find anything that ties in these colors: lime green, lilac purple, light turquiose, and a soft lemon yellow. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I'm ready to pull my hair out! It doesn't have to be perfect, but I'm hoping I don't have to change the color scheme.

I have grand plans for the weekend. A friend is coming over to paint the nursery while I clean/work on projects. If it doesn't all get done, then it doesn't, but I will be happy with any progress made.

Hope you are all blessed and that you have a blessed weekend.

Overcoming Perfection, Day 4

Hoooray! Lots to celebrate today. Feeling a little better now that I'm on the mend!

First off, Happy New Year everyone. Rosh Hashanah is today and it starts the Jewish new year. Hooray for what the Lord will do in this upcoming year. I am praying blessing on each and everyone of you as we enter a new year of the Lord.

Secondly, I have windshield wipers again! Ok, some back story might be helpful. About two weeks ago, my wiper motor went out on my car and we just got it fixed tonight. Which I am so thankful to the Lord for providing the way and the means. Driving in the first part of rainy season in Texas plus Tropical Storm Hermine coming through and dousing us was a little unsafe.

Thirdly: We have had a series of things happen to our cars and house that have had to be fixed. It has been stressful, but God is good and He helped us through it all. Our ceiling in our living room leaked and warped some of the drywall. We got that replaced two weeks ago and the hubster finished painting two nights ago. YAY for progress! We just need a new back fence and baseboards in certain parts of the house and we will be in business, lol.

Fourthly: I love feeling my baby move. I don't think I updated to spread the news. We are having a girl and her name is Zoe. She has been super active today. It's such a reassuring, joyful feeling! Thank You, Jesus for Your protection over this sweet little one.

Ok, so I think that's about it for today.

Overcoming Perfection, Day 3

Hello again. So I found out why I had such a terrible migraine. I have a pretty nasty sinus infection. No fun! Oh well I was prescribed a baby safe antibiotic and should be on the road to recovery very soon.

I'm about to call it quits at work for the day. So I will head home, have something warm and easy to eat (my left side of my face is a little swollen) and spend some time with the Greatest Healer, Jesus.

Overcoming Perfection, Day 2

Definitely not a perfect day. This post is short. I have a migraine and am struggling through work. Hopefully I can cut out early to make my way home and lay down. So here is my post, and it's good enough.

Overcoming Perfection Series, Day 1

Hello all. As promised (go here for details) I am writing a blog entry everyday for the next two weeks.

One of the things I have slacked on in my life because of the spirit of perfection is my business/crafting. This past weekend motivated by the Simple Mom blog (also see previous post), I set aside 30 minutes at a time to accomplish the pile of sewing and craft projects that have been taking up space in my craft room. I was waiting for the "perfect" day to sit down and knock them all out at once. Well of course I would be waiting forever if I kept on that trend.

I have made a few of these:

And I have made this for my nephew Tyler:

Both of these items will be on sale on my facebook profile. My sis-in-law and I decided to join forces in order to support each other. If you are interested check out Lesley N' Allie on Facebook. Our official business name is Aley Creations.

The Spirit of Perfectionism

So I haven't written in awhile. I have had plenty to write about. Baby updates, revelations for the Lord, things I'm passionate about, things I'm grateful for... The thing that has stopped me from writing all of these things is perfectionism.

I read a blog post from Simple Mom titled "Perfection: the thief of Good Enough". It really hit home. I have been told I have this spirit on me for a long while now. I didn't really want to do anything about it, but this blog really convicted me.

My house is a wreck most days. I let projects pile up and pile up till it becomes so overwhelming I'm discouraged to even touch them. I'm disorganized and out of sorts (some due to pregnancy brain but some not).

When I read through some of the examples I was shocked to say that each one was me. "Because you don’t have the time or energy to scrub the kitchen counters to a spit shine, you’ll just let the day’s dishes pile up." That's just one of many.

I always wait for the "perfect" time, mood, energy level, motivation, etc before I can tackle anything. I have had great and wonderful things to share on this blog, but I haven't because the ideas or thoughts weren't perfect enough or I didn't have the time. How sad that I can let one thing take over so much.

I'm ready to say no more! I'm ready to kick this spirit to the curb! I want to be happy with good enough. Even if that means, one room or even corner of a room gets clean that day. At least it was something. At least I can look back and say "I just got the dishes in the dishwasher and that's good enough." '

I'm challenging myself to write a blog post everyday for the next two weeks. Even if it's just a picture or a sentence, it will be good enough.

This of course is going to be a series of changes that I will write about. Let's just say it's my Overcoming Perfection Series.

Bigger than me

Have you ever been sitting doing nothing or doing something and the revelation of the Lord's heart hits you like a ton of bricks? I am at work right now and I was contemplating all things baby. Names, what to register for, if its a boy or girl, etc.

I checked my blog reader and came across Joye's post over at The Joyeful Journey for today. The saying at the end of this beautiful post snagged my heart so hard. "God doesn't exist to make my dreams come true...I exist to make His come true." It nearly took my breath away.

I thought if I am here to make God's dreams come true, how much more is my little one going to make God's dreams come true here on this earth on through eternity.

Here I have been praying so hard for our baby to be safe, protected, healthy, alive, etc. Not that those aren't great prayers, but what I should be praying for more is his or her destiny in Jesus. For God's will to be done through their life.

I feel like I have been selfish, wanting this baby because I wanted to be a mom and raise godly children. It has always seemed about me, but it's not about me in the slightest. What I should be thankful for is that God will give it to us not because we deserve it, but because His dream is going to come true through them. That is the better goal hands down.

The Lord will finish the good work He started in me, but it's not just for me. It's for Him and that is all I can hope for in this world. That He will use my family for His purposes.

Thank you Joye for the prophetic word. I obviously needed the wake up call.

Dad

He takes care of me while I'm too sick to move. While my growing belly is stretching, my hormones are raging, my body too tired to do much. He takes care of me.

He is patient with my endless crying because a greeting card opened the floodgates. My sudden snaps of anger, my moodiness, my randomness. He is patient with me.

He loves me not because I deserve it but because he has freely given it. I don't always accept this love in the most gracious manner, but seeing the wonderful man he is makes me want to try harder. He loves me.

Thank you sweet husband for being a good dad to our growing baby and our baby in Heaven. You are so good to us. We love you and can't wait for next year when you will get to hold our growing baby in your arms. Happy Father's Day.

New Beginnings

Hello all. I had my second ultra sound on Wednesday. We have a cutie patootie of an 8 week old (technically I'm 9 weeks now). Of course you can't make much out but the baby is growing and has a strong heartbeat. I have been struggling with fear and not wanting to blog about it, but I say NO to fear and say YES to the miracle the Lord has given us.

Every time I ask the Lord why something strange is happening or something I'm not sure about, He always replys "Do you trust Me?" I say yes Lord! Another word He gave me was that He is mighty to save. So I have spoken that over my baby and womb everyday! Faith comes by hearing you know.

I had another Healing Room appointment and felt fear leave me, but it has tried desperately to get back in. Trying to find other avenues and ways to knock me off my game. I rebuke all fear and you are not allowed back in! In Jesus name!

So this is what is going on with my life. Wonderful growth and life in my womb. What's happening in yours?

New Season

I have been so swamped that it's been hard to write. I have also been dealing with spiritual warfare which has made it hard also. The season that the Lord had me in where I was searching was a transition season. It was peaceful and invigorating at the same time. Well I have come into a new season that is difficult, wonderful, scary, amazing, and kinda disheartening all at the same time.

I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant again. I took the at home test and just stared at the result and was like "what do I do now?" Don't get me wrong we were ttc and both very excited. Before I was pregnant I would always say I will not let fear rule me. Boy was I wrong. Fear jumped up and down on me making me a nutcase.

My hormone levels are really high, much higher than they ever got with my first pregnancy. We have not had our ultrasound and I can't help but wonder if we will see the same thing. A lifeless baby. I know it sounds sick, but that's my only experience to go by thus far.

I have been leaning on the Lord for everything. Help with the fear, help with the pregnancy, praying for every bit of my life to come into alignment with His Word. When that voice tells me "you still have two weeks to the ultrasound, anything can happen between now and then" I have to fight. Fight for my sanity and my baby's life. I can't let fear rule me. I keep asking Lord, what's going on and he replies with another question... "Do you trust Me?" I keep saying yes and I will keep saying yes.

So I guess this is my season of trusting. I found the Lord in my season of searching and He wants to know if I trust what I found. Like I said I will keep saying yes.

Just an update

Don't have time for a very long post as I apparently have food poisoning or a stomach bug and may need to leave the computer for awhile.

Just wanted to update everyone on a few things. The Lord is so good. There are many revelations he is pouring out into my spirit and I can't wait to share, so stay tuned.

Obi is doing well. He is very spirited and a great watch dog already. We just wish the cat, Cedric, will get along a little better. I know they will love each other eventually, but can't it be sooner so we can have peace among the different species in the house?

The hubster and I are doing great. Things with the house are progressing very well. The Lord provides for everything that comes up. Glory to Him who sits on the Throne!

Well that's about it. Will update again later.

Breastplate of Righteousness

So my second round of teaching adults is here. I teach Sunday school for 2-5 year olds and teaching adults is waaaaayyyy different. It's great and nerve-wracking at the same time.

My topic is the breastplate of righteousness. I went into it focusing on righteousness. I had had a word from the Lord that He wanted to work righteousness in my life in 2o10. So I jumped at the chance to teach that subject. Woohoo, Lord tell me more about righteousness!

Well I got started studying and I think He wanted me to learn more about the breastplate instead. I hadn't even thought of the breastplate being significant. Sure it's significant in the fact that it is a protection. That it protects your vital organs (especially from a physical view). But it really is so much more!

The word breastplate in Hebrew (2382 Chazayah) is a combination of two words 2372 Chazah: to gaze at, meant to percieve, contemplate, to have a vision of, behold, look, prophesy, provide, see and 3050 Yahh: the Lord most vehement (passionate).

When we put on the armor of God, we are putting on this breastplate- the Passionate Lord's prophesy and vision. What better place to have His prophetic word than over our hearts? The position really speaks to me. His word protects our inward parts. Gives me chill bumps!

Not only is it positioned over our heart, it is positioned BEFORE our hearts. When we go into battle, it is their ahead of our own passionate heart, protecting.

If you look at the combination of the words for breastplate indicates that it is a revelatory armor. It is prophetic and visionary, basically revealing things yet to be seen.

Now for a more physical view of a breastplate. When a soldier enters a battle, what does he put on? His armor. What are the two components in the armor of God that are solely for protection? The helmet of salvation and the breastplate of righteousness. Now in the physical we have a third component, the sheild. Well the shield can be used as a offensive and defensive mechanism so I will not include it. It can also be lost or damaged in battle (in the physical not the spiritual mind you). You would be a silly fool for not putting on your helmet or your breastplate when going into battle (it would be silly to not have all the parts, but you know what I mean).

The breastplate gives you not only protection but what?... Boldness and confidence! You are to go out boldly knowing you can not be taken down because of what is sheilding you! If we are to look at the Hebrew meanings of breastplate it should look like this: walking in boldness for The Passionate Lord's Vision. There are those chill bumps again...

Now onto righteousness. In the Hebrew it translates (1343 geeh, root word 1342 gaah) to mount up, to be risen, be majestic, increase. Our translation in english defines it as: a state of being blameless before God or morally upstanding. How do we achieve this state or moral rightness and majesty before the Lord? We purify our lives. We tear down anything that is not of Him! How difficult to kill our flesh everyday!! But it is necessary for the Lord to work in our lives in a greater measure.

This new season everyone is entering is a deeper intimacy with the Lord. We must purify ourselves in order to achieve this state of blamelessness. Of course we are not perfect and never will be until the Lord returns, but we can strive for purity and righteousness everyday.

What is the first step to righteousness? Putting on the breastplate of righteousness and letting that protect you, guide you, go before you. Let it sink into your heart so that the Lord can begin removing all the hinders Love for Him. As you let that sink in, the rightness and boldness will rise up (just like the Hebrew translation to be risen indicates). It is also letting your spirit do all the ruling in your life and not your soul. Your spirit is the one that is connected to the Lord and as it gets its marching orders, we need to obey and not buck the system.

So how do we let our spirit rule? Practice, coninuous practice. You will eventually start to get it right. Shine the spotlight on the dark areas of your life and give it to God. Have Him wash it clean. He is the only One that can! When things come into your mind that are filled with fleshly or evil desire, cast it to the pit! Get rid of it! If it's a continual struggle, seek out a friend to confess to and be in agreement with. Always be praying for that purity to enter your life in a greater measure. Pour out your righteousness on Your people, Oh God!

Always on my mind

I have noticed the shift in my thought process. He is always on my mind. I'm thinking about the Lord 85 to 90% of the time now. I want it to be 100%. But its so amazing to me that when I was a teen and was baptized, mostly because the other kids were getting baptized, I didn't think that much about him. I would go to church camp and be on fire for like a week, then I would get back into my routine. I did not understand what it meant to wholehearted.

Now that I'm entering this new season, I'm praying for this to continue. I want to be in constant communication or thinking about the Lord. Ramping up to 100% is not easy, and not necessarily attainable, but it is my goal.

I have noticed the attacks on my thought life. I have been inundated with impure thoughts, doubts, fears, and things that I have not struggled with in a long time. I know it is the Lord testing and refining me. He wants my whole heart and mind to be his. How can it be his if there is still junk that needs to be swept out?

One area that is particularly difficult is my dreams. I have dreams from the Lord on occasion, and dreams from the enemy on occasion, and of course some are from the flesh. I want to know how to help shield your mind during sleep. Any ideas?

I'm asking for prayer as I continue on this journey. It has been so rewarding and challenging. I can't wait to see the fullness of this season. The fruit that will come out of it. I'm so excited to have him on my mind and for the majority of the day.

On a quick side note, I'm so ecstatic to tell everyone, the hubster and I are going on a trip to Kansas City, MO to visit at the House of Prayer! Woohoo! Road trip for Jesus! We are spending our vacation this year worshipping, studying and soaking in the prayer room. So excited!

The Season of Searching

Like I have posted, the Lord has me entering a new season. Part of this season has me searching. Searching for His Truth in each situation.

It is not always clear, whereas before it would be blatant. I think He is challenging me in a new way. To actively seek His face. I'm the one who has to run after Him because He is drawing me deeper. It's almost like He is saying "I'm going over here, would you like to join Me?" Sometimes there is hesitation (I hate to admit) and sometimes I'm bursting with excitement.

Now when I am having a hard time seeing God in a situation, I try to dive deeper and ask Him "where are You, what is the purpose?" It reminds me of the Shulamite woman in Song of Soloman. I want to be intimate with the Lord so I have to seek and I will find.

Lord, All I want is You. All I crave is You. I want to know who You are, what You think, what You feel, how You love, how You see, how You move. I want to be Your best friend, Your intimate confidant. I want to lay my head on Your breast and hear Your heart beat. Burden my heart for what burdens Yours. I want to Love like You do. Teach me Your ways Oh Lord. Amen.

Puppy Love

I pulled into the driveway at work this past Wednesday and saw the most awesome sight. A 6 month old boxer mix puppy. He was precious. And super friendly. He wanted to get in my car immediately. I called the hubster and he said he would think about it.

I have been wanting a dog for months, but it never seemed to be the right time. The hubster came up to check him out. He said we could take him home, but we had to print out found dog flyers and post them. If no one claimed him in a few weeks we could keep him. Of course we do not want to take anyone's dog, but we also don't want him wandering around the countryside up by the station. Alot of people do just drop off their dogs in our neck of the woods because they think they will just wander away.

So here is our foster puppy: Obadiah (Obi for short)Can you tell I'm smitten already?

Out of the boat

Entering new seasons can be difficult. Trying times are abundant because you are operating in a new way. It may be that you have made the season change to be a stay at home mom or enter full time ministry (in the sense of working for a ministry). It could be that the Lord is leading you into a deeper intimacy with Him.

Whatever that season may be, we all encounter times of struggle. It's like birth pains as you transition. Something is being born in your spirit that has never been there before. Of course that means some pain, pruning, and walking through some wilderness.

One thing most people struggle with during season changes is trust. Trust that the Lord will provide the means to plant the harvest, that the drought will not kill the crop, and that the harvest will be abundant. The main obstacle to trust is fear. We see things in our natural circumstances that cause us to lean on ourselves and forget God's goodness.

Matthew 14:29-31 (New International Version)
"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

Oh, how we are like Peter. FREAKING OUT when things seem impossible. How is it that I am walking on water? This seems impossible! Oh look it is impossible because I'm sinking! And what is Jesus's response.... Stop that! You know I'm always here. What's wrong with your way of thinking that you would doubt Me? Haven't you seen all that I have done?

When we are going into a new season, we are asked to get out of the boat and walk on water. Something we thought we would never be able to do. He says trust Me, I won't let you sink.

I know for me, going into this new season of intimacy with the Lord there have been so many things I thought I would have to live with. The Lord is showing me that's not true. I don't have to live in fear, I don't have to always battle my thought life. I can be free. But what does freedom look like? I have never walked ontop of the "fully set free" waters. (I say fully set free, because I have had measures of freedom.) Which in turn makes me have a Peter freak out moment.

I want this season. It is going to be great and I'm so glad the Lord has led me to this place. I want to follow Him all the days of my life. I don't want doubt to ever enter my mind. So I walk on the water straight to Jesus.

Oh that You would rend the heavens!

I have been struggling with some ugly things for the last few days. I have been feeling the disconnect between me and God. I know it is all me because He never leaves nor forsakes us. I have been crying out "Lord what is going on?!"

We went on a retreat with our Intercessory Worship team at church this past weekend. I had high hopes about what to expect. What I got was something completely different. Instead of words spoken just for me I was attacked by the enemy. Not saying anyone was mean or cruel to me. My mind was a battlefield all weekend long.

I don't give the enemy credit for these attacks. I know they are from the Lord and that He wants me to be free and to test the freedom I have gained so far. I know He has allowed me to be tested in my thought life and so that I can stand in the face of adversity.

I was hit hard too. I felt like I was 14 years old again! When I was 14 I felt invisible and I was right back in those moments. I had the feeling that everyone was looking right through me and that what I said didn't matter.

I had such a freedom over the last few weeks over the fear of rejection and my identity was no longer found in what other's thought of me, but what the Lord thought of me. Imagine my surprise when it hit me like a sledgehammer. I want to be found righteous and I can't carry this on with me if I want to grow in the Lord. So I will push through this testing because I love the Lord with all my heart and want only His will in my life!

I prayed with a woman at church on Sunday and I felt the slow reconnection of the Lord's heart and mine. I heard him say "I missed you." I cried so hard. I missed Him too.

Later that day I started reading Pigs in the Parlor with my joy sister and prayer warrior friend. We were identifying areas of our lives that we need to sweep clean. We started the process of cleaning out our "houses" and filling those places with the Holy Spirit.

I can't grow or go deeper being hindered this way. As I clean my "house" (spiritually, emotionally, physically) I will share revelations of the Father's Heart as He guides me through. I'm excited about this new portion of my journey. I want to walk worthy of You Lord.

Father God,
Oh that You would rend the heavens and come down. Come down into my heart, into my life, into my home, into my city, into my state, into my nation. Lord come down. Bring freedom, not just for me, but for everyone who struggles. Everyone who hurts or lives in deception. We miss You Jesus and we want You to return. Return to our hearts. We invite You in. We hold up our hands to recieve Your love and repent of holding them clenched shut.
I am lovesick for You Jesus. I want Your heart.
Amen

This is the song that has been playing in my head most of the day....

So good to me

It's been rainy for a few days here and normally I love rainy, cold, overcast weather. But mostly when I'm at home under some blankets with hot cocoa in my hand. The last few days have not been appealing to me. It has made me a little blue.

I thought I would share what I do when I feel blue. I listen to this song and it makes me focus on the greatness that is God. Hope you enjoy.

You're Beautiful

So I have some insecurities that I am battling. I'm overweight (60 pounds to be exact, yikes, I really just admitted that), never really liked my face, never really liked much about to physical appearance to be honest.

I was driving one day lamenting my physical state. "How can I be so fat?" "How can I be so unattractive?" "What does my husband see in me?" When the Lord stopped me right in my thought tracks. He said "I don't talk about you that way, so you shouldn't talk about yourself that way. You are the fairest of ten thousand." Whoa! Talk about conviction.

I have now tried to shift my thoughts. I am beautiful because the Lord loves me. That is the only opinion that matters. Granted I am trying to lose the weight because it is not healthy and the Lord wants me to be healthy.

I know so many people that need the revelation of the Father's heart on this issue. So many women are beat down by society and our culture of waif thin models, thick makeup to hide "imperfections", and plastic surgery to have an "ideal" body. I'm praying for those women who find it hard to even like themselves because I have been there. It's a lonely place to be.

You are beautiful! Because God loves you. He does not make junk. He makes you in His image. Don't feel like you are hopeless or need surgery to fix your "mistakes." I say this only because I am pointing the finger right back at myself. I'm saying these things for myself more than I am for you.

The Book of Eli Review: Warning contains spoilers*

I was hesitant to see this movie because I'm no longer a fan or rated R or violence. I like to keep it PG and under. But after reading a fellow Christian blogger talk about it and how it has a great message. I felt compelled to check it out.

For the record, sorry it has taken so long to post this, but I have had tons of stuff going on.

My husband and I went to see it on our date night and we were in agreement that if it got to be too much we would leave. Well I'm so glad we saw this movie! There was a little more violence than I would have liked, but it was fantastic.

Quick synopsis: Eli (Denzel Washington) has been traveling for 30 years to the "west" in order to bring a specific set of people the book he carries. He comes across a town where Carnegie is in charge (Gary Oldman) who has been looking for the book since the great war. Every copy of the book had been destroyed because it was considered powerful. Carnegie finds out Eli has the book and tries to take it from him.

Spoilers start here:

Most people already know that the book Eli is carrying is the Bible. It was so amazing to see the devotion and care he took to protect it. I also took note that it was the only book that was destroyed completely. They had made mention of its power, its message, and that it started the war. It really felt like more of a glimpse of the future than a movie. How many people in the last days will be so threatened by the Word of God that they will go to great lengths to destroy the message of hope?

Another part of the movie that spoke to me was when Eli was describing how he found the book. He said he heard a voice telling him where to go that was coming from inside him not around him. Wow! The Holy Spirit speaks to us in this manner and I really think they (filmmakers, screenwriters, and actors) did a great job of portraying the communication with God that Christians feel in a respectable manner. Basically they didn't make us out to be crazy people that "hear voices".

I almost cried at the end when he could recite the whole bible from memory. I want that kind of devotion to the Word to where I can recite what the Lord has written. This movie more affirmed my faith than tore it down like most movies these days do. It really inspired me to go home and read my Bible.

I will not endorse this as a family movie in anyway. There are plenty of parts they could have done without in my opinion, but I thought it was great for couples and for those that like action and love the Lord.

Love vs. Lust

Something I left out of my previous post was the study about lust. I read a Facebook Status update from Doug Stringer who quoted Edwin Louis Cole - "Love desires to give at the expense of self, while lust desires to get at the expense of others." Powerful statement, no? It got me thinking about lust.

Is lust purely sexual? I did some digging and how we define lust in our human understanding is predominantly sexual. But in the Concordance and the Biblical definition lust is anything that causes us to obsess to the point of sin. Colossians 3:5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. As you can see in this passage, sexual immorality is seperate from lust.

That is alot of stuff covered under one word. Addictions, hobbies, sports, impure thoughts... The list can go on. What do I have in my life that causes me to obsess to the point of sin? Definitely food. Food to me is comfort, but it causes me to sin by eating things that are bad for me and to obsess about what I'm going to have at my next meal.

Doing crafts can become a sin if I don't give God all the glory and credit. If I am solely thinking about what project I want to do next, there is no room for God. I try to ask God what He would want me work on, then work on that while praying and praising. It's a slippery slope because it's easy to fall into the trap of "look at me" or "I don't have time for reading my Bible, I have too much to do."

When you think about it in these terms, lust sets up idols in our lives. 1 John 2:16
For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world.

The difference between love and lust is Spirit vs flesh, Godly vs wordly. I know I need to submit to the Lord for freedom from my lusts of this world and be solely focused on Him and His commandments.

True Love

My husband is the leader of our Altar Builders (church small group) and we were discussing what to talk about tomorrow. I suggested a study on the Fruit of the Spirit. He is going to let me take the reins tomorrow and teach which makes me a little nervous.

Of course I love the Fruit of the Spirit and what it represents. Hence the name of the blog. Once I went in depth into each aspect, I never would have imagined what I would find. I started with love which will be our focus tomorrow.

Love is basically the entry level position of the Fruit of the Spirit and by far the most important. If you do not love how can the others grow?

I looked up what love means on Dictionary.com, in the Strong's Concordance, and of course in the Bible. In our limited human understanding of love, alot of the definitions mean feelings and emotions. I found one definition that really stuck out to me: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

How interesting. We love our spouse because of the underlying oneness and commitment we share, the underlying oneness we have with our friends is that we share things in common, the underlying oneness we share with family is blood and background. What about others in the body of Christ, we share the Holy Spirit. Even those we may think rub us the wrong way, we are to love them because of that oneness. Let's go a little further, what about the unsaved. Our oneness is that we are all sinners and we are created by a loving God. Christ died for them as well as us. We are called to love everyone, even people we don't feel are worthy of our love, but I'm skipping ahead, more on that in a moment.

When I looked up love in the Concordance, it is translated from the Greek word #26, Agape (uh-gah-pay). I love the word agape. In greek it means: love, benevolence, affection. When you just look up the word agape (uh-gay-p) it means wide open. Funny how the Greek meaning and the English meaning have a similar correlation. Benevolence means desire to do good for others while affection means fond attachement or devotion. Agape as the English term means wide open as in a gate, but just look at the wide open portion for just a moment. When we love how should we act and what should our heart condition be? We should be wide open to recieve and to give. Freely I recieve, freely I give.

The Greek Agape type of love does not have any physical conotation to it. It's not lustful, self seeking, or does not try to exploit. It speaks of a love that you give to everyone despite their willingness to accept it or the fact that they deserve it or not. Agape is more about the person doing the loving rather than the person being loved. This is how God loves us and how he wants us to love others. It's seeing everyone through His eyes.

A friend of mine really inspired me to study love because she said that love is neither a feeling nor an emotion. She asked me to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: ⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Yep, not a mention of feeling or emotion in there.

So if we are supposed to love everyone that we feel an underlying oneness with an agape love what does that mean? Being patient with them, being kind to them, not envying them, not boasting or proud, not being rude to them, not being self-seeking, etc. Whoa that is a tall order! But God wouldn't command us to do that if He didn't think we could do it. I know I fall short everday with everyone. Do I show love to the waitress who gets my order wrong, do I show love to the friend who is late, do I show love to the person who cut me off in traffic, do I show love to God when His plans and my plans don't match up? My poor husband alone has to deal with me being selfish, impatient, rude, score-keeping and so on.

All I know now after researching love is that I want to do all these things. I want to be a better lover to everyone, especially God.

Not the end of the story, pt. 2

So I had my surgery. I have been super busy and have wanted to share this story in its entirety. I wanted to have all the facts and figures before I shared. This will be a long post, so bear with me.

I will start at the beginning:

I was a "sick person" since I was a child. I got sick very easy. I have had stomach issues for as long as I can remember. I found out a year ago that it was due to my scoliosis. Scoliosis is an unnatural curvature of the spine that basically pinches off nerves and kills them. When the nerves cannot communicate with the rest of the body those areas tend to become weak, ill, or completely die. I have been going to a wellness chiropractor for help with basically jump starting my body. A wellness chiropractor focuses on treating the main reason why you are sick which is your body not being able to function properly due to subluxations in the spine and neck.

Fast forward to Tuesday Feb. 2,

The day before I was to go into my surgery, a woman at my church emailed me and asked if I could come into church that evening so they could pray for me. I agreed wholeheartedly. I love to be prayed for before something major happens. Well to put it lightly something major did happen!

I got there and three women started praying for me. They began praying for healing and restoration. For the surgeons to be blessed. Then one of the women said "I pray for Alex's body to be lined up with the word of God and that her nervous system is able to function properly." I stopped them and said I have scoliosis.

So they began to focus on my back. They laid hands on my spine and prayed. I felt a shifting taking place. I felt muscles begin to pull. It burned and it was painful. I told them and they had me stand up. One woman told me she heard the Lord saying that He wanted to put me to sleep like Adam when He took his rib to make Eve. So she prayed that over me and my back went numb. It was as if the Lord had given me a local anesthetic. I was trembling and they sat me back down. The Lord gave me a vision of a rose, but I didn't mention it at that moment to the others.

They prayed for the spirit of death to be broken off of me and I felt something leave my torso. It was very surreal. They then walked me into the santuary where the Tuesday night Intercessory Worship team was playing so I could soak in the Word. I laid on some chairs at the back while I felt my back shifting and lengthening. I opened my eyes at one point and looked up and I saw an angel standing over me. He was looking into my eyes. It was a split second and then I could not see him anymore, even though I knew he was still there. I felt so peaceful.

They continued to pray over me as I sat, laid, or stood while the Lord adjusted my back. At one point it felt like my neck was in traction at the chiropractors office. I could not move it while the Lord was working on my healing. Close to the end, I felt a burning in the cyst on my right ovary. It felt like fire.

After two hours of prayer and healing I was able to walk around freely. I felt GREAT! I have never felt that good in my whole life. I had always had pain walking and standing because of my back. I did not have pain from the cyst pressing on organs. It was awesome!

I was able to tell a few people what had happened and I was in hopeful anticipation of the next day! I asked the women that prayed for me, what the vision of the rose meant and they said it is life. The Lord was giving me life.

Feb 3 (It's no coincidence that this happened on my husbands and my two year "re-birth" day. We were saved two years ago on Feb. 3, 2008.)
I went in for my surgery and I asked if they could do an ultrasound before cutting me open and they said no. My mother asked why I wanted one and I said that the Lord had healed me and I didn't think they needed to do a cystectomy. My mother, how I love her, did not believe me.

So they went in anyway. When I woke up and my husband said, "Hey guess what? The cyst shriveled up, collapsed on itself and was basically empty!" I just laughed. THE LORD IS GOOD! A week later at my post op appointment, even my doctor was amazed. She said that cysts don't do that. That it takes a long time for them to go away on their own. Woooohoooo! Praise the Lord!

As for my back, I went in for my 1 year x-rays at my chiropractor. I wanted the results right away. I looked at them and although my back was not completely straight, it was significantly straighter. I will tell you right now, that it was not the result of the chiropractic adjustments because I had only gone to get adjustments 4 or 5 times since my last x-rays two months ago. It was all the LORD!

My chiropractor, who is an awesome man of God was even amazed. He said I basically had two years worth of adjustments since my last x-rays. My neck is strong and the muscles are being restored. My posture is greatly improved. My husband measured me and I am a whole inch taller. I went from 5'3" to 5'4"! And boy what a difference an inch makes!

So for anyone who says, the Lord does not work in miracles, I am here to say YES HE DOES! I have copies of my x-rays and pictures of my empty cyst as proof. I am so humbled and honored that the Lord chose me for this testimony. That He trusts me enough to give me something that will encourage many.

So when I said in my last post that there was more the Lord wanted to teach me through my miscarriage, this is it! He had to prepare my heart to recieve this amazing blessing and testimony to share with others. Freely I recieve and freely I give.

I'm standing on the promise that my spine will be straight, that I will walk in 100% health very soon. I walk in freedom from the spirit of death and of fear. I am so blessed!

Is there something you need healing for? Health issues, heart break, loss? Please feel free to comment. I want to pray in agreement with you.

There is more to share that I will share over the next few weeks.

Not the end of the story

Most of us know that stories never truly have an ending. It's the same way with testimonies.

I was struggling with anger about the upcoming surgery. Not that I had to go through it, but because I never have time to take time off. How can I heal if I don't have time? How can I take time off when there is so much to do at work? I was seriously stressed out.

Well, a woman at church who has incredible discernment came up to me and flat out told me "what's up with your spirit?" So I told her how I'm just trying to get through and deal with the pain, work out a time to get the procedures done, and how tired I was. She prayed for me and she said something "Lord show Alex what she needs to do and what she needs to let go of."

Big check in my spirit! I was praying to God, what is going on? What do I need to get rid of? How can I even accomplish that? Of course I was being doubtful. He then told me during church service, "There was still another lesson you needed to learn from your miscarriage, that's why you are still carrying this leftover. I need you to be free from the guilt and obligation you feel to certain people, certain places, and certain things. I need you to be free from the word YES. Always saying yes to everything and always no to yourself, your husband, your home, your ministry outside your job, your friends, your family (the list went on and on). I don't treat you that way, so you shouldn't either." I was blown away! He then told me "I'm forcing you to say NO!" He revealed that the spiritual reason the miscarriage has not completed, that the cyst has grown to a large size, that I'm so sick and tired was because I need to learn to say no. I need to learn that its ok to take time for yourself to heal.

I cried and went up to get prayer from a good friend for freedom from the word yes. She cried with me because she has been speaking that word to me over and over. It's funny how you can get something in your brain and it totally makes sense, but until it sinks into your heart and spirit, its not fully understood.

How often do we do this to ourselves? Push ourselves beyond any reasonable limit because "I fear for my job security", "there's no one else to do it", "I have to because so and so will be mad at me." God does not treat us that way. He does not operate in fear of job loss, rejection, guilt, etc. Oh how foolish I have been. Lord forgive me. He asks us to do what He wills for our lives, which is way better than our to do list any day! The only To Do list we should be concerned with is His!

I'm not 100% free, but I know its coming. I'm praying for strength to do the things that need to be done in order to say no in love and not in anger. I'm not there yet, but I will be. The Lord has my back! I know He is preparing me for great things. I need to be able to set boundaries in order to grow in the things He has planned for me.

Lord thank You for Your wisdom and revelation. Thank You that You are growing me into Your likeness everyday. Lord, forgive me for my fear has caused me to sin. Please Lord come and give me freedom from the fear of the spirit of man. I ask this in Your Son's Holy Name, AMEN!

Long day...

It seems that since August I have been exhausted. It was because I was pregnant and creating a baby is hard work. Then there was the miscarriage which was really exhausting as well. It just felt like the past few months the tiredness lingered.

Turns out not everything left my body when I had the miscarriage and am now going to have a D&C. I also have a large cyst on my right ovary that causes quite a bit of pain and that will be removed as well. I'm looking at two surgeries coming up very soon.

I have a peace about everything. Spiritually and emotionally I'm great. I totally trust the Lord and know that His plans are way better than ours. I have joy about all of this.

The only thing that gets me is the tiredness! The extreme, fall asleep standing up exhaustion. My body has thought it was in the first trimester of pregnancy since August. Plus being anemic makes me tired on top of that.

I'm looking forward to a fresh start after all the surgeries. The Lord has big plans for us and I'm just so excited to see what they are!

2010, the first 8 days.

Captains log, stardate 2010. The title sounds like I should start my blog like that. Or like I'm trapped in the wilderness somewhere with a small journal chronicling what may be the last few days of my life. Ok, I'm weird, I'll admit it.

Anyway. The first 8 days have been challenging and rewarding. Our house flooded a few days before the New Year. Our guest bathroom, the hallway, our bedroom, and the living room all had water in them to some degree. The main line that leads out to our house to the sewer system backed up. It is basically roots from our two large oak trees in the front yard.

I can usually stay pretty optimistic, but this one got me. I was down for a few days. The hubster and I were thinking of ways to pay for the plumbing (garage sales, selling stuff online, posting more things on my Etsy site, etc.). The house was a wreck (still is) and I want this fixed ASAP!

We were also praying. And as He always does, the Lord came through. I can't believe I doubted this one. I kicked myself for that. He always takes care of us because He loves us so much. If He had a fridge our picture would be on it!

He doesn't want us to stay in the funk, the worry, the doubt, or the questioning. We are such an impatient people that we want things to happen right now, but we have to wait on the Lord. The waiting is the hardest thing in the world sometimes, but we need to cultivate in our spirits the patience and peace that only He provides. Apparently I'm not done learning about patience. But I do know, He doesn't want me to be where I've been in 2010.

So I will continue learning and growing and waiting on the Lord. His way is way better than mine.

Our house is still in shambles, the back up is not fixed, we need new carpet and baseboards and I couldn't be happier. The Lord is so good and it will all get done in His time.

2010... So weird!

TOTALLY weird to say Twenty Ten! Seems wrong to me. Much like it did to say 2000, after living much of my life in the Nineteen somethings.

Anyway, time for the annual resolutions. It's more like what I want to discipline myself in and what I'm asking for God to do in our lives and the lives of everyone around us.

Things of the Spirit:
1. Ask for more of God in my heart. This means more dying to my flesh. 2009 seemed like a whole long year of dying to my flesh, but I want more. I'm thirsty for the Lord and I want to go deeper.

2. Be continually growing. I think I made this resolution last year, but it still applies.

3. Love more, hate less. I will always be a work in progress.

4. Forgive more, be offended less. I need to let things go. Lord come into my heart and wipe out those things that have unforgiveness around them.

5. Rejoice in the everyday miracles. I don't need a huge sign to say "The Lord is right here". I need to open my eyes to see Him in everything everyday.

6. Walk through the refining fire of the Holy Spirit with grace. God gives us tests and I need to resolve that I will walk through the fire if He wants me to.

7. Pray more for others and not just myself. I can get wrapped up in what I want and forget to ask what someone else needs. Apart of this is to pray for those we love that are not saved. Lord bring Salvation!

8. Pray more for what is on the Lord's Heart and not just my own. I need to die to the selfish "me, me, me".

9. Speak in Boldness about the Lord! NO fear!

10. Walk in my authority and gifts. I want God to work through me so that His light will shine to everyone around me. That He will be glorious and there will be no question of Who HE is!

Things of the Natural:
1. Make a nice home for me and my husband to live in. Cook and clean more. Be a good wife both in practice and in prayer.

2. Spend more time in the Word.

3. Read more.

4. Be on a schedule! I'm so bad about just doing stuff on a whim. Or packing my schedule full.

5. Say NO more. Create healthy boundaries with people. I don't have to over commit myself to everything. I only have to do what I really want to or that I am available more. If I have to completely rearrange my schedule to accommodate something then I probably don't have to do it.

6. Stick to our budget.

7. Create more.

8. Take time to rest.

9. Declutter.

10. Be more healthy. (Typical huh?) I mean all around healthy. Diet, exercise, thought life, heart condition, toxin removal (in my body and in my environment).

Of course there are things that I would love the Lord to bless us with (a child for one). But that's for Him to decide and if it's in His will, we receive it and if it isn't for this year, we receive that too.

What are your New Year's Resolutions?