Sunday, April 27, 2014

Taking Time in the Midst of Motherhood

The tub fills with warm water.  Bubbles building slowly.  The smell of honey and tea tree mingle together in a pleasant way.

After a long week of toddler illness, husband working, and 34 weeks pregnancy malaise, I'm ready to take some time.  Dearest daughter is napping finally.  Her attitude snappy and fierce from not feeling well.  My patience and grace is waning after the five millionth "no" or "humpf".  Take time to recharge.

Taking time has never come naturally to me.  Being a servant and a doer has never allowed those thoughts to enter my mind.  Something has changed.

The Lord put me in a place of complete surrender.  Surrender to other's doing for me.  Which killed my pride.  Surrender to letting go of my schedule and lists of things to do.  Which pained me to the core.  Surrender to the Lord.  Which opened a floodgate of everything.

We went to the hospital at 19 weeks 6 days because I was having contractions and bleeding.  Fearful we waited for the diagnosis.  "Threatened miscarriage", "placenta previa", and "group B strep infection" all were thrust into our minds.

We also found out our sweet baby is a girl.  Amelia Emerson we decided would be her name.  Amelia-industrious leader and Emerson-brave.

We were released 24 hours later after being watched all night.  Bed rest was the course of action.  We had a long 11 weeks of this pregnancy looking at the walls of our house and the inside of doctors office and a few more trips to the hospital to boot.

Lots of time spent crying.  Lots of time spent worrying.  But the Lord turns things around.

Now on the other side of things with a little more activity, I'm craving those moments.  That time I take to just be.  In those moments, I have alone time.  Not just with myself, but with the Lord.  Being has allowed me to learn to connect with a new facet of my relationship with Jesus.

So as I look at the mess strewn all over the bathroom floor.  The toilet that needs to be scrubbed.  The millions of other things I could do while my daughter naps.  I take time to worship and dialogue while in the state of being.

And that's what our relationship was supposed to be all along.  No agenda, no deadline, no power meetings to list off my requests.  Just a quiet space to talk about whatever may come up.  To seek His face, not His hand.  These moments I will treasure forever.  Time well spent with the Father of all.  The Father of me.  

Friday, February 7, 2014


Not having your days full of stuff to do/go, go, go really makes you think.  A lot.  About your life.  And yourself.  And mistakes.

Basically, you can go stir crazy in the silence and the stillness.  I have done major amounts of reflecting, beating myself up, second guessing whole conversations, meditating on past or current wrong doing on my part, and generally just letting my thoughts beat me up.

It's a tough feeling.  And can be very lonely.

Praise the Lord, He sends the cavalry in.  I have had numerous texts and calls for people to come hang out with me for a few hours.  I gladly accept!  And I have been having so much fun talking to so many people about anything and everything.  I'm getting to know people that I didn't have deeper relationship with a lot better and it's wonderful to see things bloom.

There are so many ups and downs in this season.  The highs are high.  Joyful visits.  Meaningful conversations.  Wisdom and revelation.  Worship and praise in the midst.  And the lows are extremely low.  What if's asked.  Doubts and fears.  Misconceptions.  Questioning the strength of things.

At the end of the day I have to remind myself to 1.) be thankful and 2.) my God is so much bigger than all of this.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Baby On Board

It's been a LONG time since I last posted.  For one I'm pregnant with baby number 2.  My sweet squirmy baby is due late May/early June.

We are having a few complications this go around.  I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism.  Not the funnest (or safest) thing to have while pregnant.  Last week, I started having contractions and bleeding which landed me in the hospital overnight.  They called it a threatened miscarriage and when they did an ultrasound they saw that I had the beginnings of placenta previa.  So this mommy is on bed rest.  Praise the Lord the baby is ok.

I have such an amazing well of support in my life and I'm so grateful!  My parents who where Johnny on the Spot and stayed all weekend.  My sister and brother in law that came and rearranged furniture to make the bedroom more bed rest and eventually baby friendly.  My awesome BFF's who have called, texted, hung out etc. And my amazing church family who has brought meals and prayed continuously for us on this journey.

Mostly I cannot give my husband enough props! He is doing the job of ten men right now.  Cooking, cleaning, toddler wrangling, errands, laundry and going to his regular job to name a few.  He also surprised me with a laptop so I'm not so lonely and I can still do the admin side of my job.  He is a wonderful gift from God and I love him dearly.

I know that bed rest is tough but necessary.  For this busy go, go, go person, sitting still can be torture.  But I want to be acceptance-with-joy and not complain (so much).  I'm learning that in this season.

Another thing I'm learning.  That the Lord is forcing my internal Martha to sit at the feet of Jesus and become a Mary.  This morning I worshipped for the first time since I don't know when.  Not like worship at church where you are dancing with your child (which is still fun, but has it's distractions), but really just me and Him worship.

I've also been finishing the mountain of half read books on my shelf.  And can I tell you how life changing it is!  My heart was fully tenderized for the messages that were waiting.  I will write in later posts about that as well.

Until then prayers for a full term, healthy baby.