Monday, March 22, 2010

Always on my mind

I have noticed the shift in my thought process. He is always on my mind. I'm thinking about the Lord 85 to 90% of the time now. I want it to be 100%. But its so amazing to me that when I was a teen and was baptized, mostly because the other kids were getting baptized, I didn't think that much about him. I would go to church camp and be on fire for like a week, then I would get back into my routine. I did not understand what it meant to wholehearted.

Now that I'm entering this new season, I'm praying for this to continue. I want to be in constant communication or thinking about the Lord. Ramping up to 100% is not easy, and not necessarily attainable, but it is my goal.

I have noticed the attacks on my thought life. I have been inundated with impure thoughts, doubts, fears, and things that I have not struggled with in a long time. I know it is the Lord testing and refining me. He wants my whole heart and mind to be his. How can it be his if there is still junk that needs to be swept out?

One area that is particularly difficult is my dreams. I have dreams from the Lord on occasion, and dreams from the enemy on occasion, and of course some are from the flesh. I want to know how to help shield your mind during sleep. Any ideas?

I'm asking for prayer as I continue on this journey. It has been so rewarding and challenging. I can't wait to see the fullness of this season. The fruit that will come out of it. I'm so excited to have him on my mind and for the majority of the day.

On a quick side note, I'm so ecstatic to tell everyone, the hubster and I are going on a trip to Kansas City, MO to visit at the House of Prayer! Woohoo! Road trip for Jesus! We are spending our vacation this year worshipping, studying and soaking in the prayer room. So excited!

The Season of Searching

Like I have posted, the Lord has me entering a new season. Part of this season has me searching. Searching for His Truth in each situation.

It is not always clear, whereas before it would be blatant. I think He is challenging me in a new way. To actively seek His face. I'm the one who has to run after Him because He is drawing me deeper. It's almost like He is saying "I'm going over here, would you like to join Me?" Sometimes there is hesitation (I hate to admit) and sometimes I'm bursting with excitement.

Now when I am having a hard time seeing God in a situation, I try to dive deeper and ask Him "where are You, what is the purpose?" It reminds me of the Shulamite woman in Song of Soloman. I want to be intimate with the Lord so I have to seek and I will find.

Lord, All I want is You. All I crave is You. I want to know who You are, what You think, what You feel, how You love, how You see, how You move. I want to be Your best friend, Your intimate confidant. I want to lay my head on Your breast and hear Your heart beat. Burden my heart for what burdens Yours. I want to Love like You do. Teach me Your ways Oh Lord. Amen.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Puppy Love

I pulled into the driveway at work this past Wednesday and saw the most awesome sight. A 6 month old boxer mix puppy. He was precious. And super friendly. He wanted to get in my car immediately. I called the hubster and he said he would think about it.

I have been wanting a dog for months, but it never seemed to be the right time. The hubster came up to check him out. He said we could take him home, but we had to print out found dog flyers and post them. If no one claimed him in a few weeks we could keep him. Of course we do not want to take anyone's dog, but we also don't want him wandering around the countryside up by the station. Alot of people do just drop off their dogs in our neck of the woods because they think they will just wander away.

So here is our foster puppy: Obadiah (Obi for short)Can you tell I'm smitten already?

Out of the boat

Entering new seasons can be difficult. Trying times are abundant because you are operating in a new way. It may be that you have made the season change to be a stay at home mom or enter full time ministry (in the sense of working for a ministry). It could be that the Lord is leading you into a deeper intimacy with Him.

Whatever that season may be, we all encounter times of struggle. It's like birth pains as you transition. Something is being born in your spirit that has never been there before. Of course that means some pain, pruning, and walking through some wilderness.

One thing most people struggle with during season changes is trust. Trust that the Lord will provide the means to plant the harvest, that the drought will not kill the crop, and that the harvest will be abundant. The main obstacle to trust is fear. We see things in our natural circumstances that cause us to lean on ourselves and forget God's goodness.

Matthew 14:29-31 (New International Version)
"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

Oh, how we are like Peter. FREAKING OUT when things seem impossible. How is it that I am walking on water? This seems impossible! Oh look it is impossible because I'm sinking! And what is Jesus's response.... Stop that! You know I'm always here. What's wrong with your way of thinking that you would doubt Me? Haven't you seen all that I have done?

When we are going into a new season, we are asked to get out of the boat and walk on water. Something we thought we would never be able to do. He says trust Me, I won't let you sink.

I know for me, going into this new season of intimacy with the Lord there have been so many things I thought I would have to live with. The Lord is showing me that's not true. I don't have to live in fear, I don't have to always battle my thought life. I can be free. But what does freedom look like? I have never walked ontop of the "fully set free" waters. (I say fully set free, because I have had measures of freedom.) Which in turn makes me have a Peter freak out moment.

I want this season. It is going to be great and I'm so glad the Lord has led me to this place. I want to follow Him all the days of my life. I don't want doubt to ever enter my mind. So I walk on the water straight to Jesus.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Oh that You would rend the heavens!

I have been struggling with some ugly things for the last few days. I have been feeling the disconnect between me and God. I know it is all me because He never leaves nor forsakes us. I have been crying out "Lord what is going on?!"

We went on a retreat with our Intercessory Worship team at church this past weekend. I had high hopes about what to expect. What I got was something completely different. Instead of words spoken just for me I was attacked by the enemy. Not saying anyone was mean or cruel to me. My mind was a battlefield all weekend long.

I don't give the enemy credit for these attacks. I know they are from the Lord and that He wants me to be free and to test the freedom I have gained so far. I know He has allowed me to be tested in my thought life and so that I can stand in the face of adversity.

I was hit hard too. I felt like I was 14 years old again! When I was 14 I felt invisible and I was right back in those moments. I had the feeling that everyone was looking right through me and that what I said didn't matter.

I had such a freedom over the last few weeks over the fear of rejection and my identity was no longer found in what other's thought of me, but what the Lord thought of me. Imagine my surprise when it hit me like a sledgehammer. I want to be found righteous and I can't carry this on with me if I want to grow in the Lord. So I will push through this testing because I love the Lord with all my heart and want only His will in my life!

I prayed with a woman at church on Sunday and I felt the slow reconnection of the Lord's heart and mine. I heard him say "I missed you." I cried so hard. I missed Him too.

Later that day I started reading Pigs in the Parlor with my joy sister and prayer warrior friend. We were identifying areas of our lives that we need to sweep clean. We started the process of cleaning out our "houses" and filling those places with the Holy Spirit.

I can't grow or go deeper being hindered this way. As I clean my "house" (spiritually, emotionally, physically) I will share revelations of the Father's Heart as He guides me through. I'm excited about this new portion of my journey. I want to walk worthy of You Lord.

Father God,
Oh that You would rend the heavens and come down. Come down into my heart, into my life, into my home, into my city, into my state, into my nation. Lord come down. Bring freedom, not just for me, but for everyone who struggles. Everyone who hurts or lives in deception. We miss You Jesus and we want You to return. Return to our hearts. We invite You in. We hold up our hands to recieve Your love and repent of holding them clenched shut.
I am lovesick for You Jesus. I want Your heart.

This is the song that has been playing in my head most of the day....

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

So good to me

It's been rainy for a few days here and normally I love rainy, cold, overcast weather. But mostly when I'm at home under some blankets with hot cocoa in my hand. The last few days have not been appealing to me. It has made me a little blue.

I thought I would share what I do when I feel blue. I listen to this song and it makes me focus on the greatness that is God. Hope you enjoy.

Monday, March 8, 2010

You're Beautiful

So I have some insecurities that I am battling. I'm overweight (60 pounds to be exact, yikes, I really just admitted that), never really liked my face, never really liked much about to physical appearance to be honest.

I was driving one day lamenting my physical state. "How can I be so fat?" "How can I be so unattractive?" "What does my husband see in me?" When the Lord stopped me right in my thought tracks. He said "I don't talk about you that way, so you shouldn't talk about yourself that way. You are the fairest of ten thousand." Whoa! Talk about conviction.

I have now tried to shift my thoughts. I am beautiful because the Lord loves me. That is the only opinion that matters. Granted I am trying to lose the weight because it is not healthy and the Lord wants me to be healthy.

I know so many people that need the revelation of the Father's heart on this issue. So many women are beat down by society and our culture of waif thin models, thick makeup to hide "imperfections", and plastic surgery to have an "ideal" body. I'm praying for those women who find it hard to even like themselves because I have been there. It's a lonely place to be.

You are beautiful! Because God loves you. He does not make junk. He makes you in His image. Don't feel like you are hopeless or need surgery to fix your "mistakes." I say this only because I am pointing the finger right back at myself. I'm saying these things for myself more than I am for you.