Saturday, December 31, 2011

What a difference a year makes

I feel renewed. I feel peace. I feel I'm coming up from the wilderness.

If you would have asked me a few days ago, I may have had a different answer. The Lord brought us through the most challenging year of our lives and we are seeing the amazing transformation He has set up for us from the beginning.

I will be blogging more in the new year as the Lord leads me on an amazing new journey. I can't wait to reveal the things He has for me and maybe you too.

This post will be kind of disjointed, but that's because I'm super tired and wanted to get this out quickly.

A few resolutions:

Read more, play on the internet less
Eat healthier (pretty much every year, lol)
Study the Word more (this is NUMERO UNO)
Choose joy
Love more

That's all I have for now. I will be posting soon about the first part of some deep revelations.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Birthday Girl

Today is our sweet baby girl's first birthday! Where did the time go? Really... Where did it go? A year ago, I was holding her fresh out of the oven. Today she is a fast, talkative, smiley bundle of fiery haired passion.

The past twelve months have been the most challenging and rewarding of my life. Today was wonderful day of redemption. A year ago today, we were blessed with the most precious gift the Lord can bestow, but it was also fraught with turmoil. I won't go into details, but relationships amongst various family members were strained for a very long time.

Instead of joy on that day, there was alot of tears of anger and sadness. Oh, we were joyful for our wonderful daughter, but we were angry at those that would steal that joy.

Today however, the Lord redeemed the day. He always wins. We had the joy we should have had back then. We got to celebrate in a whole new way. I am so thankful! And I rejoice in the Lord's goodness! He also revealed many things to us today about the direction we need to take with Zoe and any future children. All in all it was a marvelous day.

Here are some highlights.
Zoe at 7 Acre Wood at the petting zoo. She LOVES animals!

My first cake! She fell in love. She has had very limited sugar until today.

Getting ready for bed and a story in my Narnian bedroom.

Happy birthday Zoe! Mommy & Daddy love you!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Open the eyes of my heart

I run slides at church on Thursday nights. I enjoy it typically, but tonight was hard. I struggled the entire night. It was so overwhelming that I wanted to run right out of the prayer room. A cacophonous assault of anger, frustration, rejection, and offense berated me. I couldn't hear anything else.

I wanted to enter into worship. I prayed and prayed that I could let all of it go, but it did not. I feel like the Lord was opening up my ears to the things that plague me all the time. The questions of "why am I left out of everything to do with these people that I want to grow to know", " why can't they just like me", "what's wrong with me", "why can't I move past this", and so on and on and on.

I felt a great measure of freedom back in August and felt I was completely free. Of course I felt tested in that freedom. Then I was ill for all of October and most of November. I was homebound for 6 weeks with little to no contact with them. I felt like an island. It was extremely lonely.

When I came back I expected a level of awkwardness, but I wasn't expecting the barrage of attack I would feel. I desperately wanted to run away, just like tonight. In my sense of freedom, I became complacent. I let my guard down to the enemy and I was infiltrated. The loneliness I felt was amplified. I felt like I had left my island, entered the heart of New York and was completely lost with little to no help.

Pretty pathetic huh? I feel lame just writing about this. I know in my head that I have help, but my heart was being squished and wouldn't accept the help. I hate when my heart is wrong and it wins over head knowledge. It never allows that knowledge to sink into my heart which trumps it for good.

So that's where I'm at as we end this year of ups and downs. I want the Lord to open the eyes of my heart. So that I can fully know His goodness and trust in Him. I no longer want to struggle with what I have been for a long time. I want to walk in full freedom and my heart be so full of love for the Lord that nothing else matters.

I want to worship more fully. Live for Him. Tear down the idols in my life. Lord, help me to get to this place where I come up from the wilderness leaning on my Beloved.