Friday, January 29, 2010

Not the end of the story

Most of us know that stories never truly have an ending. It's the same way with testimonies.

I was struggling with anger about the upcoming surgery. Not that I had to go through it, but because I never have time to take time off. How can I heal if I don't have time? How can I take time off when there is so much to do at work? I was seriously stressed out.

Well, a woman at church who has incredible discernment came up to me and flat out told me "what's up with your spirit?" So I told her how I'm just trying to get through and deal with the pain, work out a time to get the procedures done, and how tired I was. She prayed for me and she said something "Lord show Alex what she needs to do and what she needs to let go of."

Big check in my spirit! I was praying to God, what is going on? What do I need to get rid of? How can I even accomplish that? Of course I was being doubtful. He then told me during church service, "There was still another lesson you needed to learn from your miscarriage, that's why you are still carrying this leftover. I need you to be free from the guilt and obligation you feel to certain people, certain places, and certain things. I need you to be free from the word YES. Always saying yes to everything and always no to yourself, your husband, your home, your ministry outside your job, your friends, your family (the list went on and on). I don't treat you that way, so you shouldn't either." I was blown away! He then told me "I'm forcing you to say NO!" He revealed that the spiritual reason the miscarriage has not completed, that the cyst has grown to a large size, that I'm so sick and tired was because I need to learn to say no. I need to learn that its ok to take time for yourself to heal.

I cried and went up to get prayer from a good friend for freedom from the word yes. She cried with me because she has been speaking that word to me over and over. It's funny how you can get something in your brain and it totally makes sense, but until it sinks into your heart and spirit, its not fully understood.

How often do we do this to ourselves? Push ourselves beyond any reasonable limit because "I fear for my job security", "there's no one else to do it", "I have to because so and so will be mad at me." God does not treat us that way. He does not operate in fear of job loss, rejection, guilt, etc. Oh how foolish I have been. Lord forgive me. He asks us to do what He wills for our lives, which is way better than our to do list any day! The only To Do list we should be concerned with is His!

I'm not 100% free, but I know its coming. I'm praying for strength to do the things that need to be done in order to say no in love and not in anger. I'm not there yet, but I will be. The Lord has my back! I know He is preparing me for great things. I need to be able to set boundaries in order to grow in the things He has planned for me.

Lord thank You for Your wisdom and revelation. Thank You that You are growing me into Your likeness everyday. Lord, forgive me for my fear has caused me to sin. Please Lord come and give me freedom from the fear of the spirit of man. I ask this in Your Son's Holy Name, AMEN!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Long day...

It seems that since August I have been exhausted. It was because I was pregnant and creating a baby is hard work. Then there was the miscarriage which was really exhausting as well. It just felt like the past few months the tiredness lingered.

Turns out not everything left my body when I had the miscarriage and am now going to have a D&C. I also have a large cyst on my right ovary that causes quite a bit of pain and that will be removed as well. I'm looking at two surgeries coming up very soon.

I have a peace about everything. Spiritually and emotionally I'm great. I totally trust the Lord and know that His plans are way better than ours. I have joy about all of this.

The only thing that gets me is the tiredness! The extreme, fall asleep standing up exhaustion. My body has thought it was in the first trimester of pregnancy since August. Plus being anemic makes me tired on top of that.

I'm looking forward to a fresh start after all the surgeries. The Lord has big plans for us and I'm just so excited to see what they are!

Friday, January 8, 2010

2010, the first 8 days.

Captains log, stardate 2010. The title sounds like I should start my blog like that. Or like I'm trapped in the wilderness somewhere with a small journal chronicling what may be the last few days of my life. Ok, I'm weird, I'll admit it.

Anyway. The first 8 days have been challenging and rewarding. Our house flooded a few days before the New Year. Our guest bathroom, the hallway, our bedroom, and the living room all had water in them to some degree. The main line that leads out to our house to the sewer system backed up. It is basically roots from our two large oak trees in the front yard.

I can usually stay pretty optimistic, but this one got me. I was down for a few days. The hubster and I were thinking of ways to pay for the plumbing (garage sales, selling stuff online, posting more things on my Etsy site, etc.). The house was a wreck (still is) and I want this fixed ASAP!

We were also praying. And as He always does, the Lord came through. I can't believe I doubted this one. I kicked myself for that. He always takes care of us because He loves us so much. If He had a fridge our picture would be on it!

He doesn't want us to stay in the funk, the worry, the doubt, or the questioning. We are such an impatient people that we want things to happen right now, but we have to wait on the Lord. The waiting is the hardest thing in the world sometimes, but we need to cultivate in our spirits the patience and peace that only He provides. Apparently I'm not done learning about patience. But I do know, He doesn't want me to be where I've been in 2010.

So I will continue learning and growing and waiting on the Lord. His way is way better than mine.

Our house is still in shambles, the back up is not fixed, we need new carpet and baseboards and I couldn't be happier. The Lord is so good and it will all get done in His time.

Friday, January 1, 2010

2010... So weird!

TOTALLY weird to say Twenty Ten! Seems wrong to me. Much like it did to say 2000, after living much of my life in the Nineteen somethings.

Anyway, time for the annual resolutions. It's more like what I want to discipline myself in and what I'm asking for God to do in our lives and the lives of everyone around us.

Things of the Spirit:
1. Ask for more of God in my heart. This means more dying to my flesh. 2009 seemed like a whole long year of dying to my flesh, but I want more. I'm thirsty for the Lord and I want to go deeper.

2. Be continually growing. I think I made this resolution last year, but it still applies.

3. Love more, hate less. I will always be a work in progress.

4. Forgive more, be offended less. I need to let things go. Lord come into my heart and wipe out those things that have unforgiveness around them.

5. Rejoice in the everyday miracles. I don't need a huge sign to say "The Lord is right here". I need to open my eyes to see Him in everything everyday.

6. Walk through the refining fire of the Holy Spirit with grace. God gives us tests and I need to resolve that I will walk through the fire if He wants me to.

7. Pray more for others and not just myself. I can get wrapped up in what I want and forget to ask what someone else needs. Apart of this is to pray for those we love that are not saved. Lord bring Salvation!

8. Pray more for what is on the Lord's Heart and not just my own. I need to die to the selfish "me, me, me".

9. Speak in Boldness about the Lord! NO fear!

10. Walk in my authority and gifts. I want God to work through me so that His light will shine to everyone around me. That He will be glorious and there will be no question of Who HE is!

Things of the Natural:
1. Make a nice home for me and my husband to live in. Cook and clean more. Be a good wife both in practice and in prayer.

2. Spend more time in the Word.

3. Read more.

4. Be on a schedule! I'm so bad about just doing stuff on a whim. Or packing my schedule full.

5. Say NO more. Create healthy boundaries with people. I don't have to over commit myself to everything. I only have to do what I really want to or that I am available more. If I have to completely rearrange my schedule to accommodate something then I probably don't have to do it.

6. Stick to our budget.

7. Create more.

8. Take time to rest.

9. Declutter.

10. Be more healthy. (Typical huh?) I mean all around healthy. Diet, exercise, thought life, heart condition, toxin removal (in my body and in my environment).

Of course there are things that I would love the Lord to bless us with (a child for one). But that's for Him to decide and if it's in His will, we receive it and if it isn't for this year, we receive that too.

What are your New Year's Resolutions?