Thursday, October 29, 2009


Distractions are part of everyday life and definitely a part of the grieving process. Right now my major distractions are the creatures (probably rats) in our attic. Every time I'm in the kitchen, office, or game room at night I hear them scurry about. I have a longer more creepy story that I will wait to tell you all about.

So anyone know any good exterminators or methods of getting rid of unwanted house guests?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Our yard, Pt. 2

Here are more of our flower bed in our front yard. Yet again sooooooooo thankful. Everything was so beautiful!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Our yard

Here are some of the pics of the yard today. What wonderful people we have in our lives! Will post more when its complete =)


So I have been waiting for almost a week for my miscarriage to complete. It's like everyday is Russian Roulette. "Is today the day?" It has been a very trying time. I know the Lord has always tested my patience and helped me grow, but some moments feel like torture. These are the moments when I can barely breathe, where I want to let sorrow over take me. Then I have to push back and say "MY GOD IS BIGGER!"

We have had many opportunities to let our pain become too much. We fight this tooth and nail. Once we go down that road, its so hard to come back. We keep holding onto our promises, soaking in the Word, praying for strength, and accepting love and guidance from the Lord and the great people in our lives.

Not everyone has the best advice and some people have actually made me angry. This is when I have to love them with grace. I know they mean well, but not everyone swoops in with the perfect thing to say or do.

The Lord has given us more truths to hold onto during this time:
11. He uses the least severe method to produce the greatest amount of love, in the greatest number of people in the shortest amount of time.
12. We have some really amazing friends and family members! The love we have recieved is overwhelmingly abundant.
13. Just because I feel like my heart is broken in two and one half is with the baby, means that that other half is in Heaven in Jesus' arms. What better place for it to be?
14. I will be on the other side of the bridge. Probably sooner than I know. I will be able to look back and see my starting point and see where I am and where I need to go.
15. I will be ok. My husband will be ok. We will be ok together.
16. We will have children someday (all in the Lord's timing).
17. I refuse to let fear, despair, and bitterness overtake me. This has been a struggle. I will win the fight.
18. I'm so thankful God gave us a child to begin with.
19. I'm so thankful that He knew that I could handle this.
20. I know the Lord loves me and will not leave me in this place of sadness.

We have the most amazing church family. Some of our friends stopped by our house today (the one that has so many things on the lists of repairs that its not even funny) and said they were there to landscape our yard. One of the larger tasks Stu and I have been dreading. The Lord sent them to minister to our hearts through acts of service. How AMAZING!!!! The hubster called me at work and said that he was going to cry. He told me what had happend, then I started to cry, then I told my boss and she started to cry. How touching the love of great friends can be.

Lord, Father, God, Savior, Redeemer, Friend! Thank you for showing up every day in a huge way. Thank you for being our peace and strength. Thank you for being our provider. Thank you for giving us the support we need from the people around us. Thank you for continued healing of our hearts. Lord we trust you and your judgments are perfect.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

On loss

Everything is still so fresh. Every time someone talks to me and consoles me, I relive it. Stu and I found out this morning that our precious baby passed away a few weeks ago. We are now just waiting on the miscarriage to be complete. It is hard to even type let alone say. But I push on because writing is therapeutic for me. Not that anyone wants to read, but because I need to get it out.

We prayed for a baby. We had a promise from the Lord and we were so excited. Our prayers were answered very quickly. We found out we were pregnant on our two year anniversary. We were over joyed and ready for the blessing and challenge.

We had 9 wonderful weeks where we talked, prepared, and prayed in thanksgiving.

I had some light spotting periodically but one doctor told me its normal as well as several friends. I pushed my fears aside. I kept praying for fear to leave and faith to come. And faith did come. I was not fearful. I had no doubt the Lord wanted to give us a baby. I just didn't know it was not going to be this baby.

We were calling him Blueberry (or Bluebert or Blueopolis) until we found out what gender he was. (I will call it a he because we both had dreams it was a boy.) There were few things here and there that we would pick up at the store or at Babies R' Us. My mother, bless her heart, she had already bought the travel system and crib (without us knowing). She was just so excited for us.

I had more spotting on Tuesday and this time it was slightly heavier. I began to fear again. I knew in the pit of my stomach that something was not right. I happened to have clients at work when it was happening. They are both friends and one is my pastor. They both prayed for me to have peace and for the health of the baby. I called the birthing center to see if they could squeeze me in and they said that they could the next day (Wednesday, October 21).

I kept telling my husband that I was nervous and he was so brave and kept telling me its going to be fine. He didn't want to tell me he was unsure as well. I had this nagging feeling that our lives would change that day. We went in for our ultrasound.

When we were looking on the monitor I kept thinking everything looks so still. I saw the gestational sac and it was still small. My heart began to race. I would ask the tech what she was seeing if anything and she told me that the care provider has to go over ultrasounds with the patients. She left the room to get one of the midwives.

I was trying not to panic because what she left on the screen was our baby and he was too small to be a 9 week old baby. I knew this was it. Melanie (one of the sweetest women) came in and told us that our baby had passed away a couple of weeks ago. It was probably one of the most surreal moments I have ever had. It's like when you are waking up from a dream that felt so real and your not sure if that was reality or what your waking up to is. I instantly started to cry. I had two sets of thoughts: "No, this is not happening" and "Oh no, this is really happening."

It was hard to look at my husbands face through all of this. He cried but was so quiet. It's hard to see the man you love in pain.

She was consoling us and helping explain things and I told her that we know the Lord has a plan. I don't think she was expecting that. She said the best thing to do is to let my body pass the baby naturally because my body will heal faster.

She said we could stay in the room as long as we needed. Our pastor (totally a God thing) had called to check on us because he had prayed for us the day before. I told him the sad news and he prayed with us over the phone in that ultrasound room. You never understand how comforting prayers are until you have been saved and you truly need it.

The tech came back in and told us she was so sorry and she was not allowed to give us that news legally. I told her it was OK and she hugged me. We got to the car and began to "rip the band-aid off" by calling family members so they could start telling the rest of the family. We knew that would be very hard. Telling people over and over.

We came home and prayed, cried, numbed ourselves with movies, took calls when we felt strong enough too, and mostly just were together. We both talked about it and there are unshakable truths to this whole situation.
1. Our baby is in heaven with the Lord. We are so happy for him! He does not have to go through this rough life.
2. Our baby's mission in life is complete. His time was short, but he had a purpose. We are so proud of him for completing his purpose in all of our lives.
3. The Lord does have a plan. We trust His will.
4. We have hope. The Lord has given us a promise and He will complete in me the good work He started. The Lord is faithful.
5. We have faith and are rebuking fear. We are not scared or angry, we have faith that we will see the Lord's glory in all of this.
6. We want to display the Lord's glory in this situation. We want those around us to know that we love the Lord in good times and bad and that His judgements are perfect.
7. He is healing my heart faster than I expected. He is giving me more joy than sorrow.
8. We will miss our little one. There was this little bundle that we were so excited to meet. Now that it is gone we miss him.
9. We know we will meet our little one someday.
10. We know that this experience will always be with us. It will be a bittersweet memory forever. But I hope we can look back and say wow, look at what God did!

I know we have much more to learn from this experience and I'm open to receive these lessons.

Thank You, Lord for giving us such a great gift and we know that children are not ours, but on loan from you. You send them when they are needed here and call them home when they are needed there. I trust everything You have for us. I believe in Your will and will follow it all the days of my life.

*This took me a few days to write because of all the emotions behind it.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Joy.... Pt 2

Of the Lord is my strength. Does a certain scripture sometimes pop up at you over and over. It usually happens when you need it most. It is the Lord's gentle reminder that He is your Rock and Fortress.

I'm up super late again and this time its because of morning sickness. Most women would groan at that phrase and yes I groan at the experience to some extent. But I find joy in my morning sickness, achy muscles, headaches, foggy brain, and random leg cramps. Mostly because the Lord will complete in me the good work He started.

Another reason this scripture comes to mind (and another reason I am up so late) is my husband and I decided to be bold for the Lord with family members and it ended not so well. The decision was a hard one, but we were obedient to His word. This has been on our hearts for over a year and it has finally come into the light and we are left with roaches scattering trying to find a safe place to dwell again.

I have no doubt that we made the right decision. I have no doubt that the Lord will take care of us. I just feel weary and its only beginning. This is why "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength!" I know I can find joy in this situation. If I can find it in adversity, if I can find it in a loss, if I can find it in the darkest places in my life, heck if I can find it in morning sickness, I can find it in this. If His Joy strengthens, then Lord bring on the JOY!

I submit this prayer request. Please pray for us and our family members who do not understand the choices and decisions we make based on our relationship with the Lord, Jesus Christ. Please pray for the joy that strengthens to reside in our hearts.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Oh that brain of mine

Insomnia has kicked in at 1:20 AM. I'm hoping my brain will slow down so I can go back to sleep. I am after all creating a new life and need the rest. The hubster came home from his job and I was wide awake.

I think it is all the plotting and planning for baby's arrival. I searched for gender neutral fabric all Saturday and alas found none that I liked. Then when he came home I started thinking about all the cute things I could do to the room and then all stuff we will need to baby proof the house. Now my brain is racing. Hopefully a little internet surfing will help slow things down.

Sweet dreams to all of you out there that are still up and trying to sleep. I'm praying for rest for all of us.