Saturday, March 23, 2013

Wild Windy West

My mother, daughter and I went back to our roots these past few days.  Back to West Texas, to a tiny town that is dying out.

Lots of happy memories have happened there.  A lot of sad ones too.  Everything about it screamed of one memory or another.

Driving through town that once had nice businesses, but are now run down.  I could almost see the original facades superimposed over the new faded and broken ones.  The statue of justice in front of the courthouse with one missing scale and cracked up her center.  The many businesses that are no longer there.  New ones that I wonder how they survive.

The Baptist church that looks exactly the same.  The red clay soil that covers your shoes anytime you step outside.  I could even see our little white tennis shoes turned an orange-red everytime we drove back to Houston.  The dry landscape that hasn't seen rain in around 3 years.  One of my favorite fragrances growing up was after it rained in West Texas.  The smell of fresh rain mixed with the red clay soil mingled with heat created the most unique and soothing smell.  You could almost sense it was the smell the ground emitted in thanksgiving for much needed rain.  It saddens me that the smell hasn't been around for that long.

My great-grandmother's house that has been modified and changed.  My great uncle's house now owned by a cousin.  His father still running his ranch on the mountain, but weary from lack of rain.

And our sweet family friend who passed away at the wonderful age of 96.  She was a second great-grandma to us.  Full of life, love, and Jesus.  She was always on the go and very determined.  Always giving out "sugars", hugs and a love of learning.  Lots of things I miss about this town, and she is definitely at the top of the list.

I wasn't particularly sad when I heard she passed.  I was at peace, because I knew she was at peace.  She lived every day to the fullest.  Smart as a whip and wise until the day she died.  I can honestly say, "I'll see you soon" instead of "goodbye" to her.  Which makes my heart so happy.

She was truly inspiring.  I hope I live my life half as well as she did.  We love you and miss you, Kewpie, but "it's just a little while longer, till I see you.  Just a little while longer till I know you.  Just a little while longer and we will be together."

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Facing the Accuser

This post has been sitting in my draft pile for a long time now.  Just a title, nothing typed in the body.  Just waiting for the right words.

I have had so much freedom and so much warfare since typing that title.  Where to begin?...

I found out recently what my redemptive gift was, Mercy.  Well Mercy's are people pleasers.  To that I said a hearty "duh"!  Because that is me to a T.  I will go out of my way to please people.  It's a stronghold in my life that I have battled against since I was born basically.  I will go more in depth on the redemptive gifts stuff in other posts, but basically it explains my whole life.

A few weeks ago, I attended a class talking more in depth about our redemptive gifts and the strongholds behind them.  The teacher said that each of us have a foundational lie in our lives.  Something that is the root lie that we have believed our entire lives.  It is tied to our gift and it explains so much of our struggle everyday.

I thought wow, that seems intense, I'm no where near finding mine out.  Boy was I wrong!  Later that night I was talking to a friend about the same issue I have every week, sometimes every day.  I have an issue interacting with people.  I will go someplace, be around people I love and care for, then go home and pick apart every part of our interaction and see how I messed up the whole thing and how they must hate me for it.  CRAZY SAUCE!  I know!

Well she was reassuring me yet again, that yes I am indeed crazy.  Lol, it was more like why do you believe that about yourself.  The Lord struck my heart in a whole new way in the midst of her praying for me.  He revealed how I have always believed the lie "I'm no good and I will never be any good."  I wept and wept.

The next 24 hours the Lord revealed every area I have believed that lie in my life.  It ties into how I want to be well liked, but I'm sure that will never happen because I'm no good.  He even reeled it all the way back to before birth.  Rejection by my father.  Growing up feeling rejected by every family member, either perceived or real.  Classmates who said harsh things that stuck out as truth but were bald faced lies.

That was a sobering 24 hours.  The Lord reminded me to meditate on what He alone says about me.  Praise of man is but a vapor, but the Word of the Lord is eternal.  I was on a whole new playing field!

There was pep in my step for a whole week.  Then I was tested.  I was in a situation that caused me to listen to the lies again.  I was crying out to God.  He reminded me "what is your foundational lie?"  I told Him, "that I'm no good".  And He said "and what do I say about you?"  I said "that I'm loved and cherished, but God You must not really know me.  I am pretty bad.  Do you know what I've done in my life?  You really must not know the real me."  Then I stopped myself and chuckled thinking "did I just argue with God about HIS Word?"  That helped get me off the crazy train and back to the heart of the matter.

Satan comes with so many accusations.  He uses anything that will get us off track.  He will flat out lie, lie with a truth, lie with our history, and on and on.  The only truth that matters is His.  Each time Satan comes with lies, I have to face my accuser and call him out for what he is, a liar.

There is so much freedom in knowing these things.  I was so afraid of finding out that it would mean more pain and anguish.  Some things are painful to sift through, but there is a new depth of joy underneath each one.  I can't help but rejoice in His truth!  Worship has taken on a whole new meaning in the last few weeks. I feel like I'm not weighed down by staring, judgmental eyes (eyes that were never focused on me to begin with) and I can move in a new direction.  Keeping step with the King.  Not fighting against the flow of the Holy Spirit, but in the river rush towards the heart of God.