I have been struggling with some ugly things for the last few days. I have been feeling the disconnect between me and God. I know it is all me because He never leaves nor forsakes us. I have been crying out "Lord what is going on?!"
We went on a retreat with our Intercessory Worship team at church this past weekend. I had high hopes about what to expect. What I got was something completely different. Instead of words spoken just for me I was attacked by the enemy. Not saying anyone was mean or cruel to me. My mind was a battlefield all weekend long.
I don't give the enemy credit for these attacks. I know they are from the Lord and that He wants me to be free and to test the freedom I have gained so far. I know He has allowed me to be tested in my thought life and so that I can stand in the face of adversity.
I was hit hard too. I felt like I was 14 years old again! When I was 14 I felt invisible and I was right back in those moments. I had the feeling that everyone was looking right through me and that what I said didn't matter.
I had such a freedom over the last few weeks over the fear of rejection and my identity was no longer found in what other's thought of me, but what the Lord thought of me. Imagine my surprise when it hit me like a sledgehammer. I want to be found righteous and I can't carry this on with me if I want to grow in the Lord. So I will push through this testing because I love the Lord with all my heart and want only His will in my life!
I prayed with a woman at church on Sunday and I felt the slow reconnection of the Lord's heart and mine. I heard him say "I missed you." I cried so hard. I missed Him too.
Later that day I started reading Pigs in the Parlor with my joy sister and prayer warrior friend. We were identifying areas of our lives that we need to sweep clean. We started the process of cleaning out our "houses" and filling those places with the Holy Spirit.
I can't grow or go deeper being hindered this way. As I clean my "house" (spiritually, emotionally, physically) I will share revelations of the Father's Heart as He guides me through. I'm excited about this new portion of my journey. I want to walk worthy of You Lord.
Oh that You would rend the heavens and come down. Come down into my heart, into my life, into my home, into my city, into my state, into my nation. Lord come down. Bring freedom, not just for me, but for everyone who struggles. Everyone who hurts or lives in deception. We miss You Jesus and we want You to return. Return to our hearts. We invite You in. We hold up our hands to recieve Your love and repent of holding them clenched shut.
I am lovesick for You Jesus. I want Your heart.
This is the song that has been playing in my head most of the day....