I get my opportunity and it starts raining yet again. I come home feeling slightly defeated. My daughter is sleepy, I am too. I go put her in her crib for a nice afternoon nap and she cries. She keeps crying.
I go back to her and think, "you are tired, just rest already". The conditions are perfect for a nap: rainy weather, light thunder, dark afternoon, cozy sleeping arrangement. What else do you need?
I begin to rock her and hold her like a little baby. The baby she no longer is. I'm holding a toddler. She drifts off and I don't really notice because I'm rocking and singing. I look down and there is my little baby again. Her weight, features, and length completely different, but the look is the same as the day she was born. The look of peace, comfort, and rest.
How I remember those days rocking, nursing, or snoozing together on the couch when she was little. Those times are few and far between now. She wants her independence and most times fights to stay awake until she is in her own bed. But looking at her peaceful countenance I flashback to one and half years ago and play all those memories back like a movie. I cannot fathom the precious gift each one is.
I long to have that comfort, peace, and rest in my life. It is free to obtain, but my independence is in the way. I can run to my Father and lay in His lap, but I don't. I fight to stay awake. I fight to handle things my own way.
Why can't I rest? He knows I'm tired and the conditions are perfect: I'm thirsty for the Word, I have wounds that need healing, and I want to know Him more. Why do I think I know better?
He longs for me to rest in His arms. To see peace wash over my face. To know that I know that I'm protected, safe, and completely comfortable in His presence. Yet I don't. Stubborn as a mule, I don't budge closer than I dare.
Am I afraid? Sometimes. Do I trust Him? Yes and no. I'm sometimes afraid that if I trust Him, He will give me more sorrow or anguish than I can bear. So I hold Him at an arms length. And for that I'm sorry Lord.
I look down at my daughter again and I think of how she trusts me wholeheartedly. I know that the feelings she has for me are a picture of what I should have for the Lord. And the love I feel for her is just a fraction of what the Lord feels for us. I want to be wholeheartedly trusting of the Lord. Even now, my heart breaks at just the thought of loving on the level I need to love. I long for it as He longs for my heart.
|Zoe asleep on Mommy, 1 Month|