Friday, April 27, 2012

Testing: Our journey to the fasted lifestyle, pt 5

So you know when you have freedom, warfare comes immediately after that and turns things upside down.  Yeah maybe I was a little too boastful during week 3.

I have not dealt with body image issues in a long time.  Who am I to call the Lord a liar when He says I'm beautiful.  Well hold onto your hats, I was in a crazy spiral the Sunday before our month mark.

I woke up feeling good.  Excited to try on my pants to see how much looser they felt.  Mistake #1.  Was so disappointed that they weren't as lose as I hoped.  Mistake #2.  Kicked myself for much of the morning because I'm not as thin as I had hoped.  Mistake #3.

We go to church and all the girls look so cute in their cute clothes.  All skinny and adorable.  Why can't I look like that?  Mistake #4.  Why can't I just lose the weight, have nicer clothes, prettier hair, wear makeup more, be beautiful?  Mistake #5.

Pastor preaches on when a thought turns into sin.  It is when it becomes an imagination.  Then it turns into action.  Having the thought isn't sin, but when it is not captured and allowed to run free in our minds.  Oh man, I have been doing that all morning!!! Coveting the cuteness and clothes of the other women. Hating myself cause I'm still fat.  Wondering when I would see real results from this diet... OOOOOPPPPS!  I'm not on a diet.  I'm fasting.  No where near the same thing.

Where was my focus?  On myself.  Where should my focus be?  On the Lord.  Ok Lord, even if I don't lose another ounce but I grow in Your knowledge, I will be totally satisfied.  Recommit! Recommit! Recommit!

I'm still reeling from all the junk I'm trying to rebuke in my head.  I tell hubby we need to get out of there fast.  We get in the car and I tell him, if we don't get home soon, I will tell you to stop at any number of places so I can eat myself into oblivion.  He is struggling too and wants to get wings from Wings N More.  We make it home. Whew!

He goes to work and Zoe loses her mind!  She is grouchy and screaming and throwing fits.  I'm trying everything in my parenting handbook (lol) to figure it out and make it stop.  Why is my child flipping out?  I'm about to lose it myself.  I'm crying in the kitchen.  Stu will be home for dinner in 30 minutes and I have done nothing but deal with an upset 1 year old all afternoon.  Meat hasn't even defrosted yet.  I'm two seconds away from picking up the phone and telling hubby to pick something up.

As I'm crying out to the Lord about my situation.  He tells me "it's not always going to be easy. Some days will be hard."  Right then my phone rings.  I'm a blubbering mess as hubby tells me that his lunch got moved back an hour.  Thank You Lord again for reprieve.  How good is He?  I know had an hour and a half to make dinner.  Zo stopped crying and actually got happy.  Thanks again God!

Isn't that the truth of the matter though.  I went from following the Lord to wanting my fleshly desires to be fulfilled.  Health is always a good goal, but a better goal is obedience and discipline.  It's not always easy to be obedient or disciplined or to even follow Jesus on any level, but He will always make a way when we think there is none.  He is so faithful!

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