This post has been sitting in my draft pile for a long time now. Just a title, nothing typed in the body. Just waiting for the right words.
I have had so much freedom and so much warfare since typing that title. Where to begin?...
I found out recently what my redemptive gift was, Mercy. Well Mercy's are people pleasers. To that I said a hearty "duh"! Because that is me to a T. I will go out of my way to please people. It's a stronghold in my life that I have battled against since I was born basically. I will go more in depth on the redemptive gifts stuff in other posts, but basically it explains my whole life.
A few weeks ago, I attended a class talking more in depth about our redemptive gifts and the strongholds behind them. The teacher said that each of us have a foundational lie in our lives. Something that is the root lie that we have believed our entire lives. It is tied to our gift and it explains so much of our struggle everyday.
I thought wow, that seems intense, I'm no where near finding mine out. Boy was I wrong! Later that night I was talking to a friend about the same issue I have every week, sometimes every day. I have an issue interacting with people. I will go someplace, be around people I love and care for, then go home and pick apart every part of our interaction and see how I messed up the whole thing and how they must hate me for it. CRAZY SAUCE! I know!
Well she was reassuring me yet again, that yes I am indeed crazy. Lol, it was more like why do you believe that about yourself. The Lord struck my heart in a whole new way in the midst of her praying for me. He revealed how I have always believed the lie "I'm no good and I will never be any good." I wept and wept.
The next 24 hours the Lord revealed every area I have believed that lie in my life. It ties into how I want to be well liked, but I'm sure that will never happen because I'm no good. He even reeled it all the way back to before birth. Rejection by my father. Growing up feeling rejected by every family member, either perceived or real. Classmates who said harsh things that stuck out as truth but were bald faced lies.
That was a sobering 24 hours. The Lord reminded me to meditate on what He alone says about me. Praise of man is but a vapor, but the Word of the Lord is eternal. I was on a whole new playing field!
There was pep in my step for a whole week. Then I was tested. I was in a situation that caused me to listen to the lies again. I was crying out to God. He reminded me "what is your foundational lie?" I told Him, "that I'm no good". And He said "and what do I say about you?" I said "that I'm loved and cherished, but God You must not really know me. I am pretty bad. Do you know what I've done in my life? You really must not know the real me." Then I stopped myself and chuckled thinking "did I just argue with God about HIS Word?" That helped get me off the crazy train and back to the heart of the matter.
Satan comes with so many accusations. He uses anything that will get us off track. He will flat out lie, lie with a truth, lie with our history, and on and on. The only truth that matters is His. Each time Satan comes with lies, I have to face my accuser and call him out for what he is, a liar.
There is so much freedom in knowing these things. I was so afraid of finding out that it would mean more pain and anguish. Some things are painful to sift through, but there is a new depth of joy underneath each one. I can't help but rejoice in His truth! Worship has taken on a whole new meaning in the last few weeks. I feel like I'm not weighed down by staring, judgmental eyes (eyes that were never focused on me to begin with) and I can move in a new direction. Keeping step with the King. Not fighting against the flow of the Holy Spirit, but in the river rush towards the heart of God.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Renewal
When we come to God, we have a renewal. A renewal of life because we are made new again.
I just watched a video of Anne Rice for I am Second. Oh my goodness, I was so moved. Anne Rice and her vampire chronicles made such an impact on my adolescent, young adult life. I was pagan during high school and college. I read every novel she wrote and admired her writing so deeply. Vampires were very much an attraction to me. Watching her video about her return to faith in Jesus was amazing.
I put those novels away when I came to Christ and was saddened by the fact that such a wonderful writer could write about such things. Yet, there was always something in them that spoke of God. Not that they honored him, mind you, but some sort of sadness that seemed overwhelming. In the video she spoke of how she reflected on her novels and how she really can see that there was a longing for God written out on the pages, not explicitly but subtly.
I can relate. I grew up in a household that went to church on Sundays, but did not understand the fullness of God's glory. I turned away from God in order to "fulfill myself" at a young age, instead of embracing the true fulfillment of Christ. All through my wanderings, everything I tried to do subconsciously reached out for God. I tried to "harness" power through witchcraft that was not mine to hold. I longed for status and prominence. I wanted to walk in authority, but had none.
I wanted all the things God promises, but through my own way and understanding.
Looking back, I can see how all these efforts to "fulfill" myself where such a sad attempt and a crying out to God. I struggled, and still do on occasion, with knowing God loves me despite my past. And that, yes, purity is for EVERYONE. Not just for the one who never strayed, but for the prodigal as well. Renewal is for us all.
A few weeks ago, a friend spoke to me about how God knew we would say yes to Him from the beginning of time. When He authored our lives, He knew on what page we would give our hearts to Him. Such a beautiful and suspenseful novel He has written for each of us. The weary come to Him, after fighting long and hard, and surrender all for His name and glory.
I was reading in Mark this past Thursday about Jesus calling his Disciples. How he could call to two on a boat to come and they did. His best of best friends. Those closest to Him. And He knew that they would say yes from the beginning of time. That when He called out to those that would serve with Him in earthly ministry, that they would say yes. I shiver with excitement to think that He saw His best friends (even though they didn't know it yet), He knew exactly when to call them, and that they would with out a doubt say yes. What do you think He felt like when He saw them? 'Hey that's one of my dearest friends, they don't know me yet, but today is the day they will say yes to me!'
My heart bursts with joy when I think of this. Because do you think He might think about us that way? He surely does. He loves us that much! The day I said yes to Him, He was bursting with excitement because He knew that day was the day. I know He thought that about Ms. Anne Rice as well. He thinks that about you too. You just have to say yes. He already knows it's in your heart.
I just watched a video of Anne Rice for I am Second. Oh my goodness, I was so moved. Anne Rice and her vampire chronicles made such an impact on my adolescent, young adult life. I was pagan during high school and college. I read every novel she wrote and admired her writing so deeply. Vampires were very much an attraction to me. Watching her video about her return to faith in Jesus was amazing.
I put those novels away when I came to Christ and was saddened by the fact that such a wonderful writer could write about such things. Yet, there was always something in them that spoke of God. Not that they honored him, mind you, but some sort of sadness that seemed overwhelming. In the video she spoke of how she reflected on her novels and how she really can see that there was a longing for God written out on the pages, not explicitly but subtly.
I can relate. I grew up in a household that went to church on Sundays, but did not understand the fullness of God's glory. I turned away from God in order to "fulfill myself" at a young age, instead of embracing the true fulfillment of Christ. All through my wanderings, everything I tried to do subconsciously reached out for God. I tried to "harness" power through witchcraft that was not mine to hold. I longed for status and prominence. I wanted to walk in authority, but had none.
I wanted all the things God promises, but through my own way and understanding.
Looking back, I can see how all these efforts to "fulfill" myself where such a sad attempt and a crying out to God. I struggled, and still do on occasion, with knowing God loves me despite my past. And that, yes, purity is for EVERYONE. Not just for the one who never strayed, but for the prodigal as well. Renewal is for us all.
A few weeks ago, a friend spoke to me about how God knew we would say yes to Him from the beginning of time. When He authored our lives, He knew on what page we would give our hearts to Him. Such a beautiful and suspenseful novel He has written for each of us. The weary come to Him, after fighting long and hard, and surrender all for His name and glory.
I was reading in Mark this past Thursday about Jesus calling his Disciples. How he could call to two on a boat to come and they did. His best of best friends. Those closest to Him. And He knew that they would say yes from the beginning of time. That when He called out to those that would serve with Him in earthly ministry, that they would say yes. I shiver with excitement to think that He saw His best friends (even though they didn't know it yet), He knew exactly when to call them, and that they would with out a doubt say yes. What do you think He felt like when He saw them? 'Hey that's one of my dearest friends, they don't know me yet, but today is the day they will say yes to me!'
My heart bursts with joy when I think of this. Because do you think He might think about us that way? He surely does. He loves us that much! The day I said yes to Him, He was bursting with excitement because He knew that day was the day. I know He thought that about Ms. Anne Rice as well. He thinks that about you too. You just have to say yes. He already knows it's in your heart.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Why I'm tired today
The weather here in Texas has been wacky. It's always wacky, but this is super wacky. It's hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. My sinuses are on overload and are screaming.
We have the sweet, sweet relief of an essential oil diffuser. Oh how I love essential oils! I could talk all day about it, but that's for another post. I decided to sleep last night with the diffuser going. Knowing my daughter had a stuffy nose as well, I decided I would let her sleep with me in the essential oil bliss.
Sleeping with a toddler in bed sounds like a great idea... for about 20 minutes. Then you think "I immediately regret this decision".
It starts out with the "oh, I get to cuddle my baby" and "I could just cuddle like this forever" and "it will be like when she was a tiny baby". You are WRONG! Quit thinking it as soon as it pops in your head.
After about 20 minutes, the tossing, turning and flopping like a fish starts and doesn't stop until you both decide you can't take it anymore and get up because sleep is not happening. I'm stubborn so we tried until 7 AM this morning.
My daughter also likes to hold your hand while she sleeps. So cute, until your arm falls asleep in an awkward position or her talon-like finger nails jab you repeatedly. Those fingernails are nice little reminders of what you were supposed to do that day. "Oh snap, I forgot to cut her fingernails!"
Right after we laid down, she was awake and wanted to stay awake. She was talking and messing with things. She likes to "boop" my nose when I'm almost asleep. I will be on the cusp and then all of a sudden a tiny finger comes up and "boops" the tip of my nose. And it sounds cute while your typing it, but when you are sleep deprived and about to be asleep, it is NOT CUTE.
She also likes to slap you while your sleeping, be it face, back, arm etc. She will raise her arm high in the air then let it fall on you. It's not hard, but it's startling.
About 3 AM, I finally had had it. I spoke sternly to my daughter how it was "night night" time and how she needs to sleep because mommy needs to sleep. Then she started sniffling cause I was being harsh, then I felt bad so I went back to cuddle mode. Which then lasted another 5 minutes then the fish flopping started again.
This time she flopped so hard and so much that she flopped off the bed. Literally flopped over the barriers I created. That is frightening to no end! She was totally fine. Now we are both completely awake because of our scare.
Around 5 AM sleep or some symbalance of it comes and we are out for a total of 2 hours. I can't sleep deeply now because of our falling off the bed scare. So I sleep as lightly as possible. At 7 she is awake again. Seriously how little sleep does a kid need?
If you know me and if you ever hear me say "oh it's ok, she can just sleep with us tonight", slap me across the face and point me to this post. It may not be worth it for all the heart stopping fear, the frustration, and the toddler kicks and slaps.
But it sure is cute when they do fall asleep in your arms. Like when they were a little baby. All cozy and safe in mommy's arms. The deep breathing, the peaceful look on their face... My daughter is napping, I may go cuddle with her now.
Oh, wait... I may just watch her on the video monitor instead.
We have the sweet, sweet relief of an essential oil diffuser. Oh how I love essential oils! I could talk all day about it, but that's for another post. I decided to sleep last night with the diffuser going. Knowing my daughter had a stuffy nose as well, I decided I would let her sleep with me in the essential oil bliss.
Sleeping with a toddler in bed sounds like a great idea... for about 20 minutes. Then you think "I immediately regret this decision".
It starts out with the "oh, I get to cuddle my baby" and "I could just cuddle like this forever" and "it will be like when she was a tiny baby". You are WRONG! Quit thinking it as soon as it pops in your head.
After about 20 minutes, the tossing, turning and flopping like a fish starts and doesn't stop until you both decide you can't take it anymore and get up because sleep is not happening. I'm stubborn so we tried until 7 AM this morning.
My daughter also likes to hold your hand while she sleeps. So cute, until your arm falls asleep in an awkward position or her talon-like finger nails jab you repeatedly. Those fingernails are nice little reminders of what you were supposed to do that day. "Oh snap, I forgot to cut her fingernails!"
Right after we laid down, she was awake and wanted to stay awake. She was talking and messing with things. She likes to "boop" my nose when I'm almost asleep. I will be on the cusp and then all of a sudden a tiny finger comes up and "boops" the tip of my nose. And it sounds cute while your typing it, but when you are sleep deprived and about to be asleep, it is NOT CUTE.
She also likes to slap you while your sleeping, be it face, back, arm etc. She will raise her arm high in the air then let it fall on you. It's not hard, but it's startling.
About 3 AM, I finally had had it. I spoke sternly to my daughter how it was "night night" time and how she needs to sleep because mommy needs to sleep. Then she started sniffling cause I was being harsh, then I felt bad so I went back to cuddle mode. Which then lasted another 5 minutes then the fish flopping started again.
This time she flopped so hard and so much that she flopped off the bed. Literally flopped over the barriers I created. That is frightening to no end! She was totally fine. Now we are both completely awake because of our scare.
Around 5 AM sleep or some symbalance of it comes and we are out for a total of 2 hours. I can't sleep deeply now because of our falling off the bed scare. So I sleep as lightly as possible. At 7 she is awake again. Seriously how little sleep does a kid need?
If you know me and if you ever hear me say "oh it's ok, she can just sleep with us tonight", slap me across the face and point me to this post. It may not be worth it for all the heart stopping fear, the frustration, and the toddler kicks and slaps.
But it sure is cute when they do fall asleep in your arms. Like when they were a little baby. All cozy and safe in mommy's arms. The deep breathing, the peaceful look on their face... My daughter is napping, I may go cuddle with her now.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Two weeks down.
We are at over two weeks now. No eating out, no fast food. Yay! Working hard at being obedient.
We are contemplating going on a date tonight and we were talking about eating food at the movies. Do we, don't we, etc. For me, I can't. I can't go down the slippery slope like that again. So I will be eating before I go and I am contemplating turning into that person.... bringing my own snacks to the movies. I'm torn between the "don't bring your own food" policy and the need to not fall off the wagon. I'm sure I will have peace as the movie time gets closer, so we will see.
On another note, getting ready for Thanksgiving!!! My favorite of favorite holidays! We hosted last year and we are doing it again. It's an easy way for us to spend time with both sides of the family. Because we all know it's hard to split time between two families. Do ya feel me?
That's all for now. Back to a fun project that I can't wait to complete. I will post pictures. =)
We are contemplating going on a date tonight and we were talking about eating food at the movies. Do we, don't we, etc. For me, I can't. I can't go down the slippery slope like that again. So I will be eating before I go and I am contemplating turning into that person.... bringing my own snacks to the movies. I'm torn between the "don't bring your own food" policy and the need to not fall off the wagon. I'm sure I will have peace as the movie time gets closer, so we will see.
On another note, getting ready for Thanksgiving!!! My favorite of favorite holidays! We hosted last year and we are doing it again. It's an easy way for us to spend time with both sides of the family. Because we all know it's hard to split time between two families. Do ya feel me?
That's all for now. Back to a fun project that I can't wait to complete. I will post pictures. =)
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Meditation
I made it a week! I can't believe it. There were many, many, MANY times I thought I would cave and give in. The only way to make it through to deliverance of a stronghold (especially one that's left, regrouped, and returned) is submission to God. Continual submission. I can't do this in my own strength at all.
This week made me realize how weak and vulnerable I am and have become over the past few months. I have come to the revelation that I have allowed myself to meditate on 1.) what other's thought of me and 2.) my negative thoughts of myself. I could link to every post I have ever written about emotional eating and my own struggle with poor self esteem, but you would be reading for hours.
I had gained a measure of freedom in the realm of fear of rejection/praise of man, but I didn't know how deep it went until I went a little deeper with the Lord. Oh my, the root is deep and the anxiety it produced was paralyzing. I couldn't go anywhere without meditating on and tearing apart each conversation/awkward look I got from every person I encountered.
It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I really saw the need for deliverance. I am still in that place of anxious mediation and I'm seeking the Lord for freedom. I need to replace improper meditation with meditating on what the Lord thinks, feels, and says. Prayers are appreciated for sure if you are lead to pray.
We have a long way to go and I don't think it's a coincidence that we reentered this lifestyle change right before the holidays. I feel that the Lord will guide each and every step of the journey back to the fasted lifestyle.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Reboot-Our journey to the fasted lifestyle, Take 2, Pt. 1
Today is our first day back on the journey. Officially. We had tried several times to get back on track, but have failed again and again.
I must say this time around is EXTREMELY difficult! We had defeated a big demon in our lives. Then we caved and it is bigger and badder than ever. The hubby and I were talking about how difficult it was when I was dropping him off at work. Bottom line, we allowed something back in our lives and it brought seven more of it's friends. So now we are fighting off a slew of demons instead of one, see Matthew 12:43-45.
The entire summer and early fall has been horrendous. We have spent and ate way more than just a tree. Obedience and discipline are hard, but it's a choice. We were choosing to disobey and do our own thing for convenience sake.
The price of disobedience is way too high. Physically (see my post about PRICE), emotionally (I was eating to comfort myself due to some really wicked anxiety attacks), and spiritually (we are so distant from the Lord, that I'm desperately lovesick).
Today we started again. We are rebooting our walk. I cannot tell you what a struggle it was. I went to visit a friend this evening and she called as I was pulling onto her street to see if I could stop and get her a soda. I was really glad I was already too close to turn around. The temptation would have been too great. I was already white knuckling it to get to her house, gripping the steering wheel with everything I had to keep myself from turning into a fast food place to get a "quick bite".
So now we detox. The cravings will subside. The attacks will come less and less. Our all around health will improve. We will sit in the Word and soak in it's goodness.
Today- I choose obedience. I choose discipline. I choose God's best for me and my family. I choose God as my audience. (I will repeat this everyday if I have to, several times a day if need be.)
I must say this time around is EXTREMELY difficult! We had defeated a big demon in our lives. Then we caved and it is bigger and badder than ever. The hubby and I were talking about how difficult it was when I was dropping him off at work. Bottom line, we allowed something back in our lives and it brought seven more of it's friends. So now we are fighting off a slew of demons instead of one, see Matthew 12:43-45.
The entire summer and early fall has been horrendous. We have spent and ate way more than just a tree. Obedience and discipline are hard, but it's a choice. We were choosing to disobey and do our own thing for convenience sake.
The price of disobedience is way too high. Physically (see my post about PRICE), emotionally (I was eating to comfort myself due to some really wicked anxiety attacks), and spiritually (we are so distant from the Lord, that I'm desperately lovesick).
Today we started again. We are rebooting our walk. I cannot tell you what a struggle it was. I went to visit a friend this evening and she called as I was pulling onto her street to see if I could stop and get her a soda. I was really glad I was already too close to turn around. The temptation would have been too great. I was already white knuckling it to get to her house, gripping the steering wheel with everything I had to keep myself from turning into a fast food place to get a "quick bite".
So now we detox. The cravings will subside. The attacks will come less and less. Our all around health will improve. We will sit in the Word and soak in it's goodness.
Today- I choose obedience. I choose discipline. I choose God's best for me and my family. I choose God as my audience. (I will repeat this everyday if I have to, several times a day if need be.)
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Price
I have been under the weather for about two weeks. Not many people know because I have not wanted to talk/complain about it.
I have had a localized abdominal pain that has been slowly getting worse over the past few weeks. I did nothing about it because "it will go away". Well it didn't. I was in such pain this past Friday that I went to the doctor.
She said that I have diverticulitis (not a new diagnosis) and that I'm experiencing a flare up. FUN! Not so much. I'm on two antibiotics and I LOATHE antibiotics. I haven't had a flare up in a long time, so it caught me off guard.
If you have never heard of diverticulitis, it's a chronic condition that creates pockets on the intestines and they can occasionally become inflamed and infected. Nothing contagious mind you, just nasty nagging pain all day and night.
How does one get this condition? I'm so glad you asked. It's because of eating processed food. It is a newer condition. It did not show up until the early 1900's because that's when processed food was introduced to our way of life. Our processed food has no nutritional value and no fiber so our intestines become malformed and things can get ugly pretty fast.
I feel I could be the poster child for "Don't feed your kids processed food" or "Eat organic or pay the price". I have had so many stomach/digestive issues all because of food. Nothing hereditary. Nothing genetic. All food! I didn't eat the best growing up. Lots of sugar, canned veggies, and pre-made stuff. Now I'm literally paying the price of poor eating habits.
The hubby and I were on a good path at the end of Spring and over the summer we got WAY off track. We ate horribly and spent what we didn't need to spend. The Lord told us how He wants us to live and we have been in rebellion. I know the Lord is not punishing me, but that He can't move in power in my life if I'm not doing what He wants me to do. He sometimes has to step out of the way and give us over to the consequence of our sin for things to change.
"The wages of sin is death". I don't feel I will literally die. But I'm having physical manifestations of my sin played out. The fruit of what He has for me is dying on the vine while I take my time on my way to obedience.
So that's where I'm at. Frustrated with myself and deeply desiring to quit this cycle of defeat. Prayers are appreciated.
I have had a localized abdominal pain that has been slowly getting worse over the past few weeks. I did nothing about it because "it will go away". Well it didn't. I was in such pain this past Friday that I went to the doctor.
She said that I have diverticulitis (not a new diagnosis) and that I'm experiencing a flare up. FUN! Not so much. I'm on two antibiotics and I LOATHE antibiotics. I haven't had a flare up in a long time, so it caught me off guard.
If you have never heard of diverticulitis, it's a chronic condition that creates pockets on the intestines and they can occasionally become inflamed and infected. Nothing contagious mind you, just nasty nagging pain all day and night.
How does one get this condition? I'm so glad you asked. It's because of eating processed food. It is a newer condition. It did not show up until the early 1900's because that's when processed food was introduced to our way of life. Our processed food has no nutritional value and no fiber so our intestines become malformed and things can get ugly pretty fast.
I feel I could be the poster child for "Don't feed your kids processed food" or "Eat organic or pay the price". I have had so many stomach/digestive issues all because of food. Nothing hereditary. Nothing genetic. All food! I didn't eat the best growing up. Lots of sugar, canned veggies, and pre-made stuff. Now I'm literally paying the price of poor eating habits.
The hubby and I were on a good path at the end of Spring and over the summer we got WAY off track. We ate horribly and spent what we didn't need to spend. The Lord told us how He wants us to live and we have been in rebellion. I know the Lord is not punishing me, but that He can't move in power in my life if I'm not doing what He wants me to do. He sometimes has to step out of the way and give us over to the consequence of our sin for things to change.
"The wages of sin is death". I don't feel I will literally die. But I'm having physical manifestations of my sin played out. The fruit of what He has for me is dying on the vine while I take my time on my way to obedience.
So that's where I'm at. Frustrated with myself and deeply desiring to quit this cycle of defeat. Prayers are appreciated.
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