We had a rough day. We are at the end of a week of trying to potty train. Which wasn't terribly successful, but not a complete fail either. We have had power struggles and ups and downs. Today was a pretty down day.
Woke up exhausted which already puts mommy on edge. My daughter was full on defiant for 85% of the day so I believe I yelled for like 75%. I was ready to pull my hair out numerous times.
It was a long day without Daddy home because he was working overtime.
At the end of a long, hard day like today I feel like a failure. That my anger got the better of me. That I didn't love and correct... I scolded and yelled. I didn't show my daughter Jesus. She is my first ministry and when I'm not feeling it, I blow up. Lots of time outs, lots of NOs, lots of "why aren't you listening to me?", on and on. Worst mom of the year award should go to me.
I know that children help pull out of you the sin in your heart and bring it to the light. Truth is my fuse isn't very long. I don't have grace in abundance. But this is what I'm displaying to my child that there is no grace. Don't get me wrong grace is not a licence to sin, but an exhortation to pursue holiness. I'm not motivating her to want to do the right thing.
It's hard to have a ministry that sees your every weakness. If you have a ministry outside the home you have a retreat. When you are with them (children or spouse) 24/7, they see the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Well how do I show less bad and ugly and start showing the good? How do you pursue holiness and show it to your child? Especially one that is extremely strong willed. How do you sow into their redemptive gift and raise them rightly?
These have all been heavy on my heart the last few weeks. The desire to be a mother after God's own heart, training up children the way that they should go, but feeling overwhelmed and defeated most days. I know Mommy Guilt is very real, and the accuser wants to beat us with it, but I know that this is only a season and the devil is a liar.
Through the exhaustion, guilt, ponderings, and drained feelings, I can only thank God that His mercies are new every morning. I get another shot to get it right tomorrow. Not that it will ever be 100%, but we can get close.