Woke up way later than expected. A major storm washed through our area in the wee hours of the morning. All the cacophony drowned out our alarm clock, our little girl. Thus begins the mom guilt for the day. I pray that she wasn't awake for a long time and crying and that she slept in like we did. I apologize profusely throughout the morning while I'm feeding, changing, and playing with her.
Then the cleaning begins. We have had a series of illnesses throughout the last 3 months that have circulated in our house and I am DONE! D-O-N-E! No more illness in Jesus name. I work my hands to the bone in the breakfast room and kitchen. I will eradicate germs in Jesus name!!! Scrubbing and washing. Sweeping and mopping. The hubby works in the living room and entertains our little one.
Most days we are so blessed to have daddy at home during the day. It is such a big help! He plays with our ginger bear and I can work on orders, website design, cleaning, cooking or whatever. We are always sad to see him go to work in the late afternoon.
Cleaning continues and my posture becomes yucky. I begin to rage at how "filthy" our house is, how I'm always the one doing the cleaning (totally not true), if I was a better wife/mother things wouldn't pile up so bad, how I want a break, etc, etc, etc. Guilt trip total of the day: 2
All chores cease at an abrupt halt, we have to shower and get ready to take hubby to work. I have to use the car this evening (we share one car). We rush around even more to get out the door with lunch packed for hubby, diaper bag ready for ginger, and grocery list in hand. We stop at a fast food place for lunch, which I hate! We are so bad about running out our time we only have time for fast food. So unhealthy and so expensive! My heart hurts just thinking about how poor stewards we are with our money and how we abuse our bodies with this trash. Guilt trip of the day: 3
We say bye to daddy and head to the grocery store in the rain. I don't like going to shopping centers at night especially with my little one without my hubby. It just doesn't seem safe to me. We get to the store, it's barely sprinkling. Hallelujah! Small victory:1 I get inside and notice I have forgotten the list. Nooooooo! I scream in my head. Oh well, Lord help me remember what was on the list.
I'm booking it through the store. Ginger bear is fading fast. She wants me to carry her, but that is not possible at the moment. She is so ridiculously sleepy. Why do I have to drag her out in this weather, when she is so sleepy, and looks like a mess from eating fast food in the car? Guilt trip of the day: 4
We make it to the end of the store and I believe I have everything. I get to the register. The total is making me a little sick. Yikes is it really that much? Did I need everything I bought? Am I spending wisely? Although I do know that everything I bought was in our meal plan for the week and neccessary, it still hurts. Guilt trip of the day: 5
We start walking out of the store and we are almost to the car and it starts pouring again. Great! Running to the car, strapping my girl in so she doesn't get much wetter. The back of my shirt is getting soaked from bending over strapping her in, then throwing everything in the trunk so we can take off. A good mom would have remembered an umbrella! Guilt trip of the day: 6
Ginger bear passes out in the car on the way home which is literally 5 minutes from our house. I talk to a friend about my crazy/hectic/stressful day on the phone on the way home and sitting in the driveway while the torrential rain passes. I venture out and run ginger to the house. I put her immediately into her crib praying that she will fall back asleep. 9 times out of 10 that is highly unlikely. The wailing begins and my heart starts to break. Guilt trip of the day: 7
I run back out and load down my arms with dripping wet bags from the trunk and I begin to haul everything in. After 3 trips my spotless kitchen is now covered in wet leaves and wet grocery bags. Anything with a paper wrapper or bag is soggy, our produce looks wilted, and I'm furious cause it's more cleanup than I wanted to do. As I'm unloading all our purchases, the wailing becomes sporadic and eventually subsides. Hallelujah! Small victory: 2! So Guilt:7, Victories:2. That seems wrong, don't you think?
Then I begin to think, why was today so hard? The simple answer is this, my heart is filthy. It's not my house I need to worry about. Although a clean house is nice, it's a distant second to a clean heart. I could have saved us ALL a lot of drama if I would have had the right heart posture. If I can stop complaining, then beating myself up for every little thing, and start focusing on the victories instead our lives would run so much better.
Sometimes I feel like I'm juggling 6,7, 8 balls at a time trying to maintain our lives. I'm trying to control the aspects of our day and make sure things run smoothly. I'm trying to CONTROL our lives. When a ball falls out of my hands I take it hard. If I could have controlled that one aspect better, and so on. I always laugh at myself when I have this realization, which is often, because who do I think I am that I control anything.
After today, I feel that I obviously need to spend more time in prayer and the Word. I also need to capture my thoughts and reaffirm what I know to be true, which is something I am not good at. What I know to be true is that I am cherished and loved by a sweet husband, an adorable little girl, and most importantly the Creator of the Universe! And that's despite my messy house, crazy schedule, or unconvential methods of doing things. I'm loved and the rest will fall into place in time and I don't need to worry about it. God's got this! And I don't and I'm totally ok with that.