Wednesday, October 21, 2009

On loss

Everything is still so fresh. Every time someone talks to me and consoles me, I relive it. Stu and I found out this morning that our precious baby passed away a few weeks ago. We are now just waiting on the miscarriage to be complete. It is hard to even type let alone say. But I push on because writing is therapeutic for me. Not that anyone wants to read, but because I need to get it out.

We prayed for a baby. We had a promise from the Lord and we were so excited. Our prayers were answered very quickly. We found out we were pregnant on our two year anniversary. We were over joyed and ready for the blessing and challenge.

We had 9 wonderful weeks where we talked, prepared, and prayed in thanksgiving.

I had some light spotting periodically but one doctor told me its normal as well as several friends. I pushed my fears aside. I kept praying for fear to leave and faith to come. And faith did come. I was not fearful. I had no doubt the Lord wanted to give us a baby. I just didn't know it was not going to be this baby.

We were calling him Blueberry (or Bluebert or Blueopolis) until we found out what gender he was. (I will call it a he because we both had dreams it was a boy.) There were few things here and there that we would pick up at the store or at Babies R' Us. My mother, bless her heart, she had already bought the travel system and crib (without us knowing). She was just so excited for us.

I had more spotting on Tuesday and this time it was slightly heavier. I began to fear again. I knew in the pit of my stomach that something was not right. I happened to have clients at work when it was happening. They are both friends and one is my pastor. They both prayed for me to have peace and for the health of the baby. I called the birthing center to see if they could squeeze me in and they said that they could the next day (Wednesday, October 21).

I kept telling my husband that I was nervous and he was so brave and kept telling me its going to be fine. He didn't want to tell me he was unsure as well. I had this nagging feeling that our lives would change that day. We went in for our ultrasound.

When we were looking on the monitor I kept thinking everything looks so still. I saw the gestational sac and it was still small. My heart began to race. I would ask the tech what she was seeing if anything and she told me that the care provider has to go over ultrasounds with the patients. She left the room to get one of the midwives.

I was trying not to panic because what she left on the screen was our baby and he was too small to be a 9 week old baby. I knew this was it. Melanie (one of the sweetest women) came in and told us that our baby had passed away a couple of weeks ago. It was probably one of the most surreal moments I have ever had. It's like when you are waking up from a dream that felt so real and your not sure if that was reality or what your waking up to is. I instantly started to cry. I had two sets of thoughts: "No, this is not happening" and "Oh no, this is really happening."

It was hard to look at my husbands face through all of this. He cried but was so quiet. It's hard to see the man you love in pain.

She was consoling us and helping explain things and I told her that we know the Lord has a plan. I don't think she was expecting that. She said the best thing to do is to let my body pass the baby naturally because my body will heal faster.

She said we could stay in the room as long as we needed. Our pastor (totally a God thing) had called to check on us because he had prayed for us the day before. I told him the sad news and he prayed with us over the phone in that ultrasound room. You never understand how comforting prayers are until you have been saved and you truly need it.

The tech came back in and told us she was so sorry and she was not allowed to give us that news legally. I told her it was OK and she hugged me. We got to the car and began to "rip the band-aid off" by calling family members so they could start telling the rest of the family. We knew that would be very hard. Telling people over and over.

We came home and prayed, cried, numbed ourselves with movies, took calls when we felt strong enough too, and mostly just were together. We both talked about it and there are unshakable truths to this whole situation.
1. Our baby is in heaven with the Lord. We are so happy for him! He does not have to go through this rough life.
2. Our baby's mission in life is complete. His time was short, but he had a purpose. We are so proud of him for completing his purpose in all of our lives.
3. The Lord does have a plan. We trust His will.
4. We have hope. The Lord has given us a promise and He will complete in me the good work He started. The Lord is faithful.
5. We have faith and are rebuking fear. We are not scared or angry, we have faith that we will see the Lord's glory in all of this.
6. We want to display the Lord's glory in this situation. We want those around us to know that we love the Lord in good times and bad and that His judgements are perfect.
7. He is healing my heart faster than I expected. He is giving me more joy than sorrow.
8. We will miss our little one. There was this little bundle that we were so excited to meet. Now that it is gone we miss him.
9. We know we will meet our little one someday.
10. We know that this experience will always be with us. It will be a bittersweet memory forever. But I hope we can look back and say wow, look at what God did!

I know we have much more to learn from this experience and I'm open to receive these lessons.

Thank You, Lord for giving us such a great gift and we know that children are not ours, but on loan from you. You send them when they are needed here and call them home when they are needed there. I trust everything You have for us. I believe in Your will and will follow it all the days of my life.

*This took me a few days to write because of all the emotions behind it.

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