Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Windows to the Soul...

Psalm 27:4One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.

God revealed himself to me in a very powerful way today at church. I have been going to this church for over a year now and have strongly felt that I was called to this church along with my husband.

For the past year I have felt a slight disconnect with the other members. I didn't feel like I belonged, like I was not worthy of joining this fellowship. I have felt that my husband fit in perfectly, but not me for some reason. I thought I was still too "bad" to be allowed to operate fully at the church. And it was my own insecurities and the lies the enemy has planted. Never the less, I felt the seperation.

I did not want to feel the seperation. I wanted to feel like I belonged, that there was a place for me there. I went to church this morning not expecting a change in my feelings, but there was one. A HUGE one!

When I walked through the doors, the air was different. I taught my Sunday school class and they responded to the lesson more than they ever have (not that the kids are unruly in any way, because they are 99% of the time little angels!).

I got into the sanctuary for worship time and it was like God had removed this film over my eyes and I could see clearly for the first time. I looked around the room and everyone was so beautiful! It's like they were all glowing from the inside out. I was just stunned at the beauty of God flowing from every single person! I would look into their eyes and I literally saw God starring back at me. I cannot describe how amazing that felt.

At that moment, I felt the connection. Whatever was holding me back, no longer was there. It was removed and I loved every single person, member or visitor, it didn't matter. I was part of something bigger. It was something that I felt was missing and now was found! I was connected to all these amazingly wonderful people through Jesus Christ!

I was marvelling at his beauty. I saw his beauty in the way a child touched his mother's hair. I saw his beauty in the sincerity in which the worship leader sang. I was literally awestruck and dumbfounded. I'm surprised I can even put it into words (very poorly I might add) right now. I could never find the exact words to describe God's beauty.

I sat amazed. Then our awesome pastor stepped forward and asked for people to come up and tell about how they feel God is beautiful. I was amazed yet again. But I still could not find the words. I did not go forward, because I could not even voice it till after church was over for hours. I think God had shown me a glimpse of his love for everyone and it was a private revelation at the moment. I think he was trying to break those insecurities off of me by showing me his amazing grace.

I stand before you all now a free woman. I am released from those shackles that held me down for so long. I no longer need to worry and fret over who does and does not like me or whether I should have not said something at the risk of sounding silly. He came and healed that part of me today and I know it will be a fight to keep those old wounds from coming back, but I know this part of my life is over. PRAISE GOD!

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