Declutter

So my stress level for the year has gotten to me. I have had shingles for almost a month now. Too evaluate what has been going on, I have to back up a couple of months.

September was probably one of the hardest months in our marriage. We went through some really rough stuff and the Lord helped us through. We had another miscarriage and we both were at opposite ends of the spectrum of how we felt about it.

When we suspected we may have been pregnant, I was scared. I cried ugly tears. How could I be ready for this when our daughter is still so young? I was emotionally not ready for this at all. I was still trying to adjust to our girl because we have had a roller coaster of a time with her. I felt like I was spinning out of control.

Please don't get me wrong. I had settled in my heart that if we had another baby so soon, we would love and accept it. But my initial reaction was panic rather than joy. I hate even admitting that, but I am human and I am not perfect. In a perfect world, I would have been overjoyed at the surprise. And please know that I have settled all of this with God as well.

So I took three tests, the second one having a faint blue line. The other two nothing. I don't think my hormone levels elevated enough to register for a solid yes. So two weeks after my missed period, I miscarried at church. That was a surreal experience. I had no idea what to feel at that point.

I got home to my hubby and baby and told him what happened and cried on his shoulder. I was not relieved, I was sad. I felt guilty for having fear over having another baby so soon. I felt crushed. I did not know what to do. But this miscarriage was different in the fact that the time I had to grieve was in short increments. My daughter needed her mom so I had to proceed with business as usual and when I got the time, I could cry and process.

My husband on the other hand, was less affected. Which upset me. I know it shouldn't as men tend to process and accept things differently. I know all these facts about "a man doesn't feel like a father till the baby is in his arms", "men don't process a miscarriage the way we do because they don't feel the same bonds we do", etc... I had a hard time telling him how I felt when I wanted someone to say I know how you feel (which is highly unrealistic since he could never really know how I felt), I know your hurting, I feel the same way you do (again, not realistic), etc. I also felt like he blamed me for the miscarriage since I did not react so favorably to the idea of being pregnant again. Guilt has a way of making you feel that everyone around you is mad at you.

We finally worked it all out, but it took a few weeks to get there. We were able to express how we felt and what we needed from each other in times of crisis. Which is a great thing and it has helped us communicate better on other levels.

In the midst of all of this I was working on my second craft fair inventory and rushing to meet deadlines. I got sick in the middle of it with a sinus/upper respiratory infection. The stress of the miscarriage/marriage trial, craft fair, crazy deadlines, and illness exploded the day before the craft fair. My right shoulder and right side of my neck were ON FIRE! It felt like pins and needles shooting flames under my skin. I went to the doctor that Monday afterwards and turns out I have shingles. YAY! Not so much.

Shingles takes a long time to heal and you can't be around people who haven't had chicken pox or the vaccine. So I have not been out of the house (except walking with the hubby and daughter) in almost 4 weeks. I'm heavily involved with the kids at church and can't risk giving it to them...unless their parents want them to get chicken pox. Then they can come to me, lol.

So what have I used the past four weeks to do: Get my life right with the Lord. And deep clean/purge my house. All this busyness, stress, and distraction had left a huge whole in my life. I had not spent time with the Lord. I had let so many other "obligations" take over my time, that I had forgotten what was important. This was manifested in my home life. I was not communicating with my husband, our house was literally a wreck, I was spending less time with Zoe so I could do other things, but mostly I wasn't praying. We weren't praying as a family.

The Lord in His exceeding graciousness, found a way to get my attention and bring me back to my first love... Him! So that's where I have been and now where I am going. Back to the beginning.

Adventures in Eating: Wow!

So it's been since August since I posted last. That's pretty sad. I have been so busy focusing on my two other blogs, my business, and my daughter, plus a myriad of other things. I'm hoping to heavily focus on this blog for the next few weeks.

I should have the time since I had to cancel everything and am on house arrest. You see, I have shingles. Which are very painful. It feels like someone poured acid in my veins/muscles.

Shingles can give kids chickenpox that have not been vaccinated or had the chickenpox before. I teach the kiddos at church and I don't want to spread it. Since I will be at home for awhile, I can take more pictures, clean and cook more, focus on what really matters. I can be the help meet I'm created to be and the mommy I have wanted to be.

We have had some major disruptions in the past month and a half. Lots of things have been coming at us on top of busyness. I was getting ready for a craft fair last Friday and I was feeling sick (shingles were starting) and the Lord stopped me and said, "What do I have to do to get your attention?" I honestly and shamefully replied "I don't know". Well within 24 hours I had a small rash on the back of my neck and my arm would not work properly. I thought I had been bitten by a spider cause the bumps were so small.

So yeah, the Lord has my attention. I can't go on the way I have. I have lost a lot of things in the month of September because I was too focused on so many other things. I feel so worn down. I can only blame myself. I had too many things in my hands that I couldn't hold any of the blessings God had for me.

I will continue writing on my blogs, but my focus will be different. I won't sacrifice family time for the internet, my business, or obligations that I have made that are not healthy. My daughter is now 9.5 months old and before I know it she will be 1 and I would have missed it. I don't want to miss anything!

I Blinked

And September was gone! I can't believe that it has gone by so quickly. We are now in the 10th month of the year. That is hard to believe as well. My daughter is almost a year old. Which is happy and heartbreaking at the same time.

I have been super busy and am looking forward to October being over as well. Two craft fairs in one month will be challenging for sure. Plus our Nativity play at church (we are doing it as close to Jesus' real birthday as possible), church fellowship dinner at the end of the month, and various errands and work to be done.

I'm just asking the Lord to give me strength and stability in the next few months. The holidays are always difficult. Let's just say when people think of the holidays, they think of happy times with family. Not so much for us. But we are hoping to change that. We don't want a negative spirit this time of year.

Other than working till I pass out every night, I am trying to enjoy our little girl as much as possible. We watch this alot...
It is Zoe's favorite! Her favorite parts in order of importance: When Dory speaks whale and when Bruce the Great White shows up. She gets ridiculously happy at both these parts. She seems to get concerned (as in she will make a weird whiney noise at the TV) when Dory and Marlin are in the jellyfish forest. It's totally odd, but so cute.

Well that's what we have been up to. I will post an update on our fall kitchen garden soon.

Abundant blessings to all!

7 Weeks

Ok, so it has been seven weeks since my last post. So that means we have a sweet seven week old angel in our midst. I love her more than words can express. Since life with a newborn is super busy I will just give a list of things that have been going on for the past seven weeks.

-Brought home baby (will post about Zoe's birth story soon)
-Was an emotional wreck (thank you hormones) for about 3 weeks
-Baby wasn't growing the way she should, can you say panic?
-Little bit started rolling to her side at 2 weeks which totally tripped us out!
-Praying everyday for seven weeks for our little one has opened up our prayer life to pray for other people/situations
-Breastfeeding has been super challenging: cracked and bleeding nipples are not fun in the slightest, baby having latching trouble, fussy and gassy baby due to my diet, me not eating enough to give the proper nutrition due to stress
-Found out I had plugged ducts about week 4, no wonder little bit wasn't growing, poor thing wasn't getting enough
-Started formula supplementation and now someone has super chunky thighs and I LOVE IT!
-Got mastitis in week 6, I have officially had every breastfeeding issue out there now.
-She started smiling out of emotion about week 4 and now greets me with a smile when I pick her up from her bassinet or glider. What a JOY! Totally makes my heart melt.
-Cuddling a newborn is happy/coma inducing. What is it about a baby sleeping on you that makes you want to pass out? Could be the peacefulness or it could be the sleep deprivation...
-Non baby related: Got better internet and finally broke down and got the local channels. Also got Netflix for the Wii which very well could be the greatest invention ever or the devil. Not sure which yet.
-Little bit has slept through the last two nights, praying this is a continued thing. Hallelujah!
-Hubby has been back at work since week 2. It was sad to see him go back, but now its a whole new thing when he comes home for lunch or at the end of the day. "Daddy's home!" is one of our favorite phrases
-Hubby had his 27th birthday! I love him more and more each day. Watching him with our babykins makes my heart leap with joy. He is a great dad and husband.
-We have had great friends and church family pay us visits and bring food which has been the best blessing! We appreciate all the prayers and support. Thank You Jesus for these amazing people!
-The house has been a total wreck for seven weeks straight and its driving me insane. I will get one area clean, then its crazy again in ten minutes. WHAT UP WITH THAT?
-I love seeing Zoe discover new sights and sounds. She loves the birds chirping and starring at the fan in the living room.
-She cooed and gooed herself to sleep last night in her bassinet and it made me want to cry with joy. How much she has grown and developed in just seven weeks.
-She greeted me with biggest smile today when I picked her up out of the bassinet.

So that's all that I can remember thus far. I'm sure I'm leaving out a ton of stuff. I want to thank everyone for the prayers and support again. Especially the women who have given me so much advice and wise counsel. It has really helped me through so much of the struggle with the breastfeeding/weight gaining issue. I'm learning great and wonderful things each time I speak with them. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Hmmmm....

So I believe I left everyone hanging last time I posted. I was seeking prayer for gestational diabetes testing. Well the tests came back and I have it. God is good and He will see our family through. Please continue to pray for health for Zoe and that I will still be able to have a natural childbirth. It has been so strong on my heart. The hubster and I have been praying that she comes in late December spontaneously so that there is minimal risk for her.

The last few weeks have been crazy busy! So much to do before baby cakes gets here. Hopefully the hubster and I can knock out some stuff tomorrow and Saturday and be able to start posting pics of the nursery soon. Well gotta run. Gotta get started on dinner and get things ready for church tonight!

Overwhelmed

I am up to my ears! In baby prep, career change, and home improvements. I really just want to cry it out. And I have cried a lot lately, but it doesn't feel like I'm really letting it out.

I have had a marathon over the last two weeks and am trying to catch up. I have my family baby shower this weekend which is why the home improvements are taking place. I feel so stressed about getting everything together and also the added stresses of work this week. It is going to be our busiest week we have ever had. I'm about to lose my mind.

I say all these things not to vent, but to be honest with myself. I keep telling myself, "You can do this, this is nothing, you can make it." Well in all honesty I don't know how I'm going to do that on my own. I keep looking to people and they keep failing me. I feel like I ask for help and they agree, then they back out. Or they offer, then tell me how busy they are and how it would be so hard to help me out. I feel very let down. And I shouldn't take up the offense. I get it people are busy, people have lives. My problem isn't with them. It's with myself. I keep looking to man to satisfy that need that only Jesus can.

Lord, I'm sorry for not looking to You when I need You. I'm sorry for looking to flesh to fulfill my need. I need to be fully satisfied with You as my provider, my source of strength, my everything. Father God, please take my heart and heal the wounds. Please take my life and mold me and shape me. Give me the strength to persevere. You are the only One I need. Shine the light on the dark places of my heart. When I feel pressured to perform for one reason or another, please tell me what I should be doing to please You and not man. Please help me to find rest in You and You alone. Thank You for all the blessings You bestow on me. I know I am not worthy of any of them, but I am made worthy by the blood of Your Son. In Jesus' sweet and holy name, Amen.

New Season

I have been so swamped that it's been hard to write. I have also been dealing with spiritual warfare which has made it hard also. The season that the Lord had me in where I was searching was a transition season. It was peaceful and invigorating at the same time. Well I have come into a new season that is difficult, wonderful, scary, amazing, and kinda disheartening all at the same time.

I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant again. I took the at home test and just stared at the result and was like "what do I do now?" Don't get me wrong we were ttc and both very excited. Before I was pregnant I would always say I will not let fear rule me. Boy was I wrong. Fear jumped up and down on me making me a nutcase.

My hormone levels are really high, much higher than they ever got with my first pregnancy. We have not had our ultrasound and I can't help but wonder if we will see the same thing. A lifeless baby. I know it sounds sick, but that's my only experience to go by thus far.

I have been leaning on the Lord for everything. Help with the fear, help with the pregnancy, praying for every bit of my life to come into alignment with His Word. When that voice tells me "you still have two weeks to the ultrasound, anything can happen between now and then" I have to fight. Fight for my sanity and my baby's life. I can't let fear rule me. I keep asking Lord, what's going on and he replies with another question... "Do you trust Me?" I keep saying yes and I will keep saying yes.

So I guess this is my season of trusting. I found the Lord in my season of searching and He wants to know if I trust what I found. Like I said I will keep saying yes.

Just an update

Don't have time for a very long post as I apparently have food poisoning or a stomach bug and may need to leave the computer for awhile.

Just wanted to update everyone on a few things. The Lord is so good. There are many revelations he is pouring out into my spirit and I can't wait to share, so stay tuned.

Obi is doing well. He is very spirited and a great watch dog already. We just wish the cat, Cedric, will get along a little better. I know they will love each other eventually, but can't it be sooner so we can have peace among the different species in the house?

The hubster and I are doing great. Things with the house are progressing very well. The Lord provides for everything that comes up. Glory to Him who sits on the Throne!

Well that's about it. Will update again later.