Bigger than me

Have you ever been sitting doing nothing or doing something and the revelation of the Lord's heart hits you like a ton of bricks? I am at work right now and I was contemplating all things baby. Names, what to register for, if its a boy or girl, etc.

I checked my blog reader and came across Joye's post over at The Joyeful Journey for today. The saying at the end of this beautiful post snagged my heart so hard. "God doesn't exist to make my dreams come true...I exist to make His come true." It nearly took my breath away.

I thought if I am here to make God's dreams come true, how much more is my little one going to make God's dreams come true here on this earth on through eternity.

Here I have been praying so hard for our baby to be safe, protected, healthy, alive, etc. Not that those aren't great prayers, but what I should be praying for more is his or her destiny in Jesus. For God's will to be done through their life.

I feel like I have been selfish, wanting this baby because I wanted to be a mom and raise godly children. It has always seemed about me, but it's not about me in the slightest. What I should be thankful for is that God will give it to us not because we deserve it, but because His dream is going to come true through them. That is the better goal hands down.

The Lord will finish the good work He started in me, but it's not just for me. It's for Him and that is all I can hope for in this world. That He will use my family for His purposes.

Thank you Joye for the prophetic word. I obviously needed the wake up call.

Out of the boat

Entering new seasons can be difficult. Trying times are abundant because you are operating in a new way. It may be that you have made the season change to be a stay at home mom or enter full time ministry (in the sense of working for a ministry). It could be that the Lord is leading you into a deeper intimacy with Him.

Whatever that season may be, we all encounter times of struggle. It's like birth pains as you transition. Something is being born in your spirit that has never been there before. Of course that means some pain, pruning, and walking through some wilderness.

One thing most people struggle with during season changes is trust. Trust that the Lord will provide the means to plant the harvest, that the drought will not kill the crop, and that the harvest will be abundant. The main obstacle to trust is fear. We see things in our natural circumstances that cause us to lean on ourselves and forget God's goodness.

Matthew 14:29-31 (New International Version)
"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

Oh, how we are like Peter. FREAKING OUT when things seem impossible. How is it that I am walking on water? This seems impossible! Oh look it is impossible because I'm sinking! And what is Jesus's response.... Stop that! You know I'm always here. What's wrong with your way of thinking that you would doubt Me? Haven't you seen all that I have done?

When we are going into a new season, we are asked to get out of the boat and walk on water. Something we thought we would never be able to do. He says trust Me, I won't let you sink.

I know for me, going into this new season of intimacy with the Lord there have been so many things I thought I would have to live with. The Lord is showing me that's not true. I don't have to live in fear, I don't have to always battle my thought life. I can be free. But what does freedom look like? I have never walked ontop of the "fully set free" waters. (I say fully set free, because I have had measures of freedom.) Which in turn makes me have a Peter freak out moment.

I want this season. It is going to be great and I'm so glad the Lord has led me to this place. I want to follow Him all the days of my life. I don't want doubt to ever enter my mind. So I walk on the water straight to Jesus.

Not the end of the story

Most of us know that stories never truly have an ending. It's the same way with testimonies.

I was struggling with anger about the upcoming surgery. Not that I had to go through it, but because I never have time to take time off. How can I heal if I don't have time? How can I take time off when there is so much to do at work? I was seriously stressed out.

Well, a woman at church who has incredible discernment came up to me and flat out told me "what's up with your spirit?" So I told her how I'm just trying to get through and deal with the pain, work out a time to get the procedures done, and how tired I was. She prayed for me and she said something "Lord show Alex what she needs to do and what she needs to let go of."

Big check in my spirit! I was praying to God, what is going on? What do I need to get rid of? How can I even accomplish that? Of course I was being doubtful. He then told me during church service, "There was still another lesson you needed to learn from your miscarriage, that's why you are still carrying this leftover. I need you to be free from the guilt and obligation you feel to certain people, certain places, and certain things. I need you to be free from the word YES. Always saying yes to everything and always no to yourself, your husband, your home, your ministry outside your job, your friends, your family (the list went on and on). I don't treat you that way, so you shouldn't either." I was blown away! He then told me "I'm forcing you to say NO!" He revealed that the spiritual reason the miscarriage has not completed, that the cyst has grown to a large size, that I'm so sick and tired was because I need to learn to say no. I need to learn that its ok to take time for yourself to heal.

I cried and went up to get prayer from a good friend for freedom from the word yes. She cried with me because she has been speaking that word to me over and over. It's funny how you can get something in your brain and it totally makes sense, but until it sinks into your heart and spirit, its not fully understood.

How often do we do this to ourselves? Push ourselves beyond any reasonable limit because "I fear for my job security", "there's no one else to do it", "I have to because so and so will be mad at me." God does not treat us that way. He does not operate in fear of job loss, rejection, guilt, etc. Oh how foolish I have been. Lord forgive me. He asks us to do what He wills for our lives, which is way better than our to do list any day! The only To Do list we should be concerned with is His!

I'm not 100% free, but I know its coming. I'm praying for strength to do the things that need to be done in order to say no in love and not in anger. I'm not there yet, but I will be. The Lord has my back! I know He is preparing me for great things. I need to be able to set boundaries in order to grow in the things He has planned for me.

Lord thank You for Your wisdom and revelation. Thank You that You are growing me into Your likeness everyday. Lord, forgive me for my fear has caused me to sin. Please Lord come and give me freedom from the fear of the spirit of man. I ask this in Your Son's Holy Name, AMEN!

Long day...

It seems that since August I have been exhausted. It was because I was pregnant and creating a baby is hard work. Then there was the miscarriage which was really exhausting as well. It just felt like the past few months the tiredness lingered.

Turns out not everything left my body when I had the miscarriage and am now going to have a D&C. I also have a large cyst on my right ovary that causes quite a bit of pain and that will be removed as well. I'm looking at two surgeries coming up very soon.

I have a peace about everything. Spiritually and emotionally I'm great. I totally trust the Lord and know that His plans are way better than ours. I have joy about all of this.

The only thing that gets me is the tiredness! The extreme, fall asleep standing up exhaustion. My body has thought it was in the first trimester of pregnancy since August. Plus being anemic makes me tired on top of that.

I'm looking forward to a fresh start after all the surgeries. The Lord has big plans for us and I'm just so excited to see what they are!

Peace

The waiting is over. The miscarriage completed yesterday. My body was still under the impression that I was pregnant so I had to help it along with drugs. I took Misoprostol and an herbal remedy a friend provided on Monday night about 8 PM.

I started cramping around 10 PM and it continued into the night. It was painful and frustrating because of the lack of bleeding. I finally started the heavy bleeding at around 7:30 AM yesterday (Tuesday). I stayed in the bathroom pretty much all day.

I was scared at first because of my lack of knowledge, but the Lord saw us through. The hubster was at my side the whole day. We both found strength we didn't know we had. It was from the wellspring that God has placed in us and the knowledge that God knows we could handle this.

I have a peace today that I haven't had in almost two weeks. I feel calm and still. Even my boss could see it today at work when she came in. I have no doubt the Lord will give us children in the future. I have no doubt that He loves us. I have no doubt that He keeps His promises. I have no doubt that He knows what He is doing and His judgements are perfect.

All that is left now: a slight tug at my heart called memory, a small tear in my eye called absence, a leap in my heart called hope, a smile on my face called joy, a knowledge in my mind called faith, a calm in my spirit called peace, and a set of arms around me called Love.

Thank You Lord for You are faithful. I will always carry that with me. You have shown us Your unfailing Love. I am reminded of the lyrics "And You said 'I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get Us there." Lord I know You chose us to go through this because You knew we could handle it. That we could persevere. I thank You for holding us through all of this and we trust You. Thank You for the wisdom and revelation that we have had through all of this and the wisdom and revelation that is to come. We are in hopeful anticipation of Your will. Praise Your Holy Name!
Amen

September 11th

I remember everything about 9-11-01. I even remember what I was wearing (black quarter sleeve blouse, khaki pants with frayed legs, and black boots). Eight years ago today, I was standing in my bathroom getting ready for my college classes for the day. As I walked out I saw that my sister was watching Regis & Kelly. I paused to see who was on that day when the news interrupted the show for breaking news.

I saw the smoldering building of the World Trade Center and I thought "what a horrible accident." Then the second plane hit and I thought "now that's not normal." But I didn't think it was an attack. I didn't listen to the radio on the way to class because I didn't want to hear about all the people dead or dying. I wanted to stay in my secure bubble and not listen to the bad things going on outside of my safe haven. When I got to school, our Texas history professor was so distraught and he said to go home, watch the news, class was cancelled.

Everyone converged on the student center to watch the big screen TV. We watched in horror as report after report came in. Terrorists had come to our land and killed out people. My secure bubble was popped.

We all have our "where were you when 9-11 happened" stories. We all felt strong emotions that day. Many of us still do. I pray today for the families that lost someone. I pray for the families of those who hijacked the planes. I pray for their salvation. I pray for protection. I pray for those still serving in the war. I pray for our nation.

Alot of praying goes on on days like today. What we need to do is not just pray today, but pray everyday for all these things. Immediately after 9-11 churches were full every Sunday for a month. A revival in America, but it was short lived. We settled back into our complacency and God became silent in many lives again.

It's not that God is silent, it's that we are not listening. We need to seek Him first in all things. We need to pray what's on His heart. The only way to know what's on His heart is to listen. We need to become sensitive to His voice. And we need to do it willingly, wholeheartedly.

I read on someone's Facebook status a few days ago, something that shook me to the core. "If God where to answer all of your prayers today, what would change? Your world or THE world?" This has been a big area of conviction for me. How often do we seek what is on our hearts and not God's? I know I can answer "not enough".

Let's press in for our nation, state, city, neighborhood, street. Let's pray for those around us. Let's pray for God's will to come to our minds. Let's pray for God to make His presence known in our city, state, and nation. Let's thank Him for the freedom we enjoy and ask that it not be taken away from us. Let's thank Him for those who give their lives for this country. But let's pray this everyday!

Here to tell the truth

I'm not here for you to like me, I'm here to tell the Truth! God calls us to tell the truth. His Truth. Which is Jesus Christ. And on this Resurrection Sunday, I am compelled to tell the truth.

My husband and I do not celebrate Easter or Christmas in the traditional sense. We love the Lord Our God with all our hearts, but these celebrations are not for Him. The Lord revealed to us over the last year and a few months of being born again that these celebrations are paganizations of what we believed were wholly Christian celebrations.

It has been a shock, but God has been gentle with us. Who doesn't love a jolly fat man and a guy dressed up as a bunny? Well, frankly me...now. I used to love these holidays, but after reading the facts, my spirit cannot reconcile the traditions together with the doctrine.

And the doctrine in The Word is thus:

2 Corinthians 6:14-16 (KJV): Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infedel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

I will celebrate however, the awesome power of God. The miracle of Jesus' birth, His sacrifice at the cross, and the glorious day He rose from the grave to give us life eternally. We have done away with pagan traditions and mass marketing ploys (Santa, Easter Bunny, Eggs, Trees, etc). We will be the most popular house on the block, lol.

But, we are not here for a popularity contest, we are here to obey God. Whatever He asks, we will do obediently.

I'm also not here to condemn anyone who participates. I'm just doing what God has called me to do. I know plenty of Christians who celebrate each of these holidays to varrying degrees because the Lord has led them to those conclusions (i.e. No Santa, but a tree. Santa and a Tree, but focus on Jesus. No Santa, no tree, etc. No bunny, but egg hunts. The list could go on).

I just felt compelled today to pour out my heart on these matters because it is so strong that I cannot shake it. I am thankful for this Sunday because it reminds me of what an awesome God we have. I love Resurrection Sunday, Good Friday and Maundy Thursday. All are wonderful to observe, but we will do it with less chocolate...

If you want to do some research of your own here are some helpful websites:

http://www.religioustolerance.org/easter1.htm

http://www.lasttrumpetministries.org/tracts/tract1.html

http://www.history.com/content/easter/pagan-origins